Geek Weight Loss Tools

This year I’ve been really dedicated to fitting into smaller jeans (not skinny jeans, you frakin hipsters), and my methods have actually garnered results that are decent enough to put stock in. Since about mid January I’ve lost 18 pounds, and I’d be remiss to say that this wasn’t due to quite a few geeky tools of the trade. So, since losing just under 20 pounds automatically makes me an expert in physical fitness, I’m here to share some of the most useful things I’ve learned with… well probably just Anthony. Hey Anthony!

So here are a few tips and tricks I’ve used that really seem to stick.

Diet:

First of all do not take that word so fucking literally. Those fraking fad diets do not work. The easiest way to lose weight is to simply eat less. I know, it seems so ridiculous: don’t shove as much shit down your throat and you’ll lose weight. But it’s true. Also, an even bigger pain in the ass, you have to dissect what you eat a little bit. Seriously you could be alternating between cereal and hot pockets for breakfast and have absolutely no clue that trading one for the other could save you way more room in your caloric budget.

So how do you keep up with what goes down the hatch?

-SparkPeople: This site is an extremely useful resources if you stick with it long enough. They have a nutritional ‘food diary’ type tab that helps you keep track of what’s going into your body and their database is massive so it makes food journaling waaaay easier than it ever rightfully should have been. On top of that it gives you different fitness and weight loss goals to strive for and there is just something so magical about moving those little meters in the positive category. Past that, SparkPeople is great for networking with other people who want to lose weight. It works for motivation, accountability, and making friends. You don’t have to stick with the mundane task of logging every little thing you do after a while. Pretty soon you’ll remember to eat this rather than that, just because you’ve already seen its effects via the nutrition log. This site, honestly, is a must.

-Portion control: I really hate to beat a dead horse on this one, but Americans eat way too fucking much in one sitting. Try to stick to the actual portion size provided on whatever you’re eating. And try not to go out to eat. If you do, make it a special thing. The less time you spend at restaraunts will shrink your pants and fatten up your wallet.

-Cut the little corners: Get the skim milk instead of whole, grab the diet soda instead of the sugary shit, and use the fake butter instead of the real stuff. Sometimes saying this to people puts them on a tangent about standards. Well, look, if the standard size of your ass isn’t fitting in your jeans anymore you’re either going to have to make some sacrifices or buy new jeans. I do every single one of the things I just listed and after a while it really doesn’t matter that much anymore. Plus I drink low calorie beer. If you knew what a sin that is in my world, you’d realize the depth of my sacrifice.

Exercise:

You have to do it…

Yeah, that’s about it.

I’ve gotten to the point where I do something physical nearly every single day and it doesn’t have to only include the gym. You’d be amazed at how sore simple yard work can make you the next day. Same goes for dragging a growing baby around, or just screwing around with wooden swords with your best friend on a drunken Tuesday night. But, the gym is also kinda mandatory if you’re not planning to straight-up run every day. Here are some things that make the monotony a little more bearable.

-Get an MP3 player. First of all, it helps keep your mind occupied, but it can also serve as a block for those pesky people who come to the gym to socialize. Plug in your earbuds and your less likely to hear about little Tyler’s second birthday party.

-Make friends with intervals. Interval training is basically hopping on the elliptical and doing 20 second bursts of super fast running interceded by breaks. My favorite way to do this is by using song tempos as my guide. Run during the chorus, jog during the rest. Unless you’re super moved by the hook. Steady running on a treadmill can drain you of your energy an garner seriously meager results. So crank up the BSG theme song, and beat that machine like the Cylonic descendant it is!

-Don’t skip the weight lifting. You need to work smarter, not harder. Building muscle burns calories even when you’re asleep and dreaming of stealing Penny away from Leonard right before Sheldon ruins the moment with an off kilter sentiment. Lift weights three times a week and let your intellectual superiority take care of the rest.

Extra little tidbits:

Activia: You eat the shit outta it, it’ll shit the eat outta you. It may be a gross idea, but hell, it gets things done.

Break-ups: Seriously, if you’re heartbroken, you’re in for one of the best appetite suppressants ever. Use it.

Go clothes shopping: Either you’ll feel bad about not fitting into something, or you’ll feel good about losing a pant size. Either one can be used for motivation.

Water: Drink it like it’s… well water.