My 'New Fall TV Series' Experiences

Ok, now that we’re all nice and settled into the fall tv season I can, with a little trepidation, talk about the shows that have really made my free time a lot less free. And that hasn’t always been a good thing, so I’ve broken things up into three different categories. The first being…

Shows I try to catch up on:

There’s not always a lot of time to sit down in front of the tv and give everything of interest your full attention. But some series lend themselves well to being your cooking partner for Saturday morning breakfast or a laundry pal when you’re down to your last clean shirt. These first two productions are perfect for just that. To the point where I can barely smell cooked pork and egg products without thinking of cool blonde cops or sixties stewardesses.

Prime Suspect

I'm not going to lie, the fact that Maria Bello portrays the main character in this series really helped it even get on my 'to watch' list. I'm not a fan of procedural police dramas. I even tried Rizzoli and Isles and the leading ladies couldn't hold my attention.

That being said, I do enjoy Prime Suspect. Maybe it's because we stole it from British stock, could be my intrinsic love of flawed heroes, or it's possibly just a good show. No matter the reason, I must say I love following Detective Jane Timoney around as she pieces together the evidence while resisting the urge to smoke and taking a few fists to the face.

The supporting cast earn their stripes as well. It's the same tepid set-up we usually get spoon-fed when a woman takes a position of power within a mostly male populated law enforcement unit, but the writers for Prime Suspect seem to have given this shallow pool of an environment way more depth than there appears to be. Disliking the testosterone that surrounded our heroine actually became a chore for me at some point as I found myself rooting for her compatriots even when they were being bags of the douchey variety.

My eyes may not be scanning every frame of every scene to see if I can catch a clue that will lead to the episode's villain, but the show goes deep enough down the rabbit hole that it sometimes becomes hard to not think about some of the darker parts of humanity after the credits have rolled. If you like cop-dramas, this one is certainly worth checking out.


Pan Am

For me, Pan Am hits the mark so hardcore sometimes that I really can’t help but root for it. It’s a good thing too, because most of the rest of the time I’m kind of bored. The main male lead is a complete bore, I don’t care about the pretty blonde who’s trying to find her place in a world she knows nothing about, and I’m not sure if Kate’s undercover mission has been foiled… ZZZZzzzzZZZZZzzzz. Oh wait, most of those side scripts are sedative-esque too.

HOWEVER!

There are also moments that have completely tugged at my heart, had me wanting to pump a fist in the air in triumph, and made me so completely uncomfortable that I squirmed in my seat a bit.

Christina Ricci’s Maggie Ryan is someone that gets my backing when she pushes the boundaries of women’s right in a profession that seems to demean the concept right down to the enforcement of girdles with the Pan Am uniform. When she roared in the face of sexual harassment by proclaiming to her attacker that she was not included in the price of his ticket a resounding ‘Yesss!’ ripped from my clenched teeth. And it’s not just that. Maggie is the face of the working girl/bohemian movement of her time period. Her love of JFK is accessible and her capable nature is undeniable. For me, Maggie makes the show; and Ricci pulls all of it off so effortlessly you’d think she was simply born into the part.

But one character isn’t enough to truly sell me on anything. The writers have to be commended for the little nuggets of gold that they place throughout the rest of the environment. Whether it’s a touching moment of understanding between Kate and her mother or a twist in the gut as French stewardess, Colette, sings the German national anthem, with a tear in her eye, as she scoffs in the face of the people who destroyed her childhood; there is enough heart in Pan Am to make me sign up for several more round trips.

Shows I can't get enough of:
These are the series that have grabbed me from the beginning and have continued to blow my mind with each episode. When they are on, the phone is silenced, the dog given a bone, and my attention given in a rapt manner. We're talking TV crack, here.



American Horror Story

If anyone had ever posed to me the question "Do you think they could turn a horror movie into a decent series?" it wouldn't have taken me more than a few seconds to answer with a resounding "No". Horror movies are best served short, gory and to the point. Anything more would just drag on.

American Horror Story has certainly made me eat those words and then some.

The effectiveness in which they present and utilize the mythology of the 'haunted house' is superior beyond anything I've ever seen. It has a rich and bloody history with rules that trickle out every now and then only to be used as distractions before the main attraction actually takes the stage. Also, the acting is amazing. The idea that I might see Jessica Lange every week on the small screen almost disappointed me because I worried that she'd never consider giving such a ridiculous endeavor her best efforts, but within the first appearance of her character I knew that wouldn't be the case.

Connie Britton and Taissa Farmiga fell so solidly into their roles as mother and daughter that it's not difficult to imagine many fights about bed times and curfews lurking in the not so distant past. I'd like to say the same about Dylan McDermott, who I normally enjoy, but it just seems like his overacting has only strengthened since his broody days on The Practice. If I have to watch him cry one more time about... well anything, the man's a basket case and I'm bored with it. But, he's obviously been working out and requesting a lot of shirtless scenes which makes for witty banter and just more motivation to get into the gym, so Ben isn't really a total loss.

Luckily for the show, his lack of testosterone is creepily supplemented by Evan Peters who plays a very troubled  Tate Langdon. Tate's therapy sessions alone freak me out; forget about whatever weird shit he's doing in the basement.

And I haven't even broached the subject of old lady/young lady maid that want's some McDermott lovin like fat kids want cake!

All in all, I love it.


Once Upon a Time

I'll go ahead and confess that I REALLY wanted to like this show, so that alone may make me biased, but whatever, we all are. Once Upon a Time is Disney Generation awesomeness. It looks great, is written well and presents enough questions to be answered that I crave each episode. Sure, Gennifer Goodwin's modern day haircut kinda makes her look more the part of Dumbo than Snow White and, yes, Jennifer Morrison playing a twenty-eight year old, when she really looks forty, stretches the bounds of willful disillusionment a bit but this show is so magical once you get past its aesthetic flaws.

The idea of fairy tale characters being placed in the real world is just awesome.

Lana Parrilla is delicious as the evil queen. She's so ridiculously insidious and her motives aren't always clear. Robert Carlyle's Rumpelstiltskin is just as devious, but still oh-so engaging.

The series' main child actor could do with a few acting lessons, but all in all it's just a masterpiece to behold. Hearing that it's already been picked up for a second season had made me incredibly happy. I'm almost glad I have to wait every week for each episode because, were this a story book, I'd fly through the pages far to quickly to truly enjoy the intricacies.



Shows that were not worthy of the time I gave them:
They can't all be winners. Here are some of the shows that simply wasted my time.


The Playboy Club

When I heard about the concept of a show centered around a high-end strip club circa 1961, I did get a little excited. The lucrative plot lines able to be presented seemed limitless. My main concern is that it would simply be a regurgitation of Mad Men.

Then I watched the first episode.

They really should have just puked Mad Men all over those bunnies. The fact that it actually took two episodes to get cancelled kind of shocked me. It had all the depth of a conversation with Michelle Bachman about physics.

Boring, banal bunnies begone!


Terra Nova

I'm well aware that Terra Nova is one of this seasons darlings, but I've got to say that it made my shit list well after the point that I simply became bored with it's derivative, episodic plot courses.

The first episode was where I really screwed up. I should have known that the depth and grandeur displayed on it's maiden voyage could not hold for an entire season. The fact that it couldn't even hold past the first episode, however, amazed me.

First of all, the show is very 'monster of the week'. One week they're doing a Hitchcock rip-off with killer bird-sized dinosaurs, the next they've got a devastating viral outbreak that is solved ridiculously fast with the introduction of a very convenient cold. The way everything plays out is predictable and honestly kind of boring. The characters are fairly cookie cutter and don't offer a lot of interest to offset the spoon-fed plots.

Don't get me wrong. Everything is pretty and the score is one of the best I've heard in a long time with regards to television, but it's not enough to request an hour of your time each week.

The final nail in Terra Nova's coffin, for me, was the hardcore rip-off of the Newt character from Aliens. She   was found on an imaging device, had crazy blonde hair, had odd speech patterns...

It was just too much for me. I wrote the writers off as hacks and haven't looked back since.

Maybe when they start blatantly stealing ideas from The Wizard of Oz or Gone with the Wind other people will too.



Obviously I gave a few other shows a shot and there were some, like The Secret Circle, that I certainly wouldn't turn off if it was on my TV, or Two Broke Girls that had something, they just sucked at figuring out what it was.

So yeah, the 2011 fall television season has been pretty good to this geek.

Scottie Success: Geeking out with the Black Ring Mafia

Plenty of people geek out when it comes to their Alma Maters. They paint their faces for football games, buy obscenely large rings to advertise loyalty, and argue emphatically about the superiority of one college over another. The common thread that seems to bind alumnus to their schools is usually rooted in the love of a sports team or popular notoriety. Add to that a little testosterone mixed with a belly full of beer and you even have the chance to witness true school spirit in the form of a drunken brawl over a few callous remarks.

So how does Agnes Scott, a small, girls-only, college in Georgia (land of the Dawgs), command just as much love and loyalty from its students?

I was so curious, I actually took the time to look into it further than just a quick peek at the website!

One of the first things I noticed about the answers I received was a focus on the size of the school. They generally graduate under 300 women a year. With fewer students and smaller classes, the entire college experience is made more intimate and unique. Students can have one-on-one relationships with their teachers; some that last way past graduation and turn into friendships.

The school also seems to have an excellent grasp on the application of team building exercises. Each class is bonded together each year by a week of scheduled competitions called Black Cat. They're assigned colors, paired up with a sister class and then mayhem ensues up until the week ends with a play, put on by the Juniors, and Black Kitty is awarded to the winning class. Most of the alumnus I talked to drew some of their fondest memories from either Black Cat or Junior Production.

My personal favorite discoveries about the school were on the more whimsical side. I was lucky enough to have a couple of Scotties to take me on a little tour of the campus. There is a wall in the Buttrick Hall that displays the signatures of incoming students. They sign all of these pieces of parchment after having recited the honor code (which is obviously pretty important, given most tests are take-home) then the signatures are hung for all to see. Also, a boring, mail-order class ring process just isn't good enough for ASC. They have a ceremony where students are presented their rings at a special dinner. They get to ring bells when they make post college plans, throw girls in the fountain upon getting engaged, and there are even ghost stories!

But I think that maybe one of the most important experiences at the school exists due to a complimentary blending of timing and trust. Entering college is a big deal in most people's lives and it happens at a time when self discovery and self reflection are operating at high levels. Due to the importance placed upon the honor code, and possibly even the physical act of the ceremony involved, the students are given a sense of autonomy. Making the professors more like guides than wardens. Independence and self respect are gained, along with a very rich social experience.They work with the school on almost a symbiotic level while earning their degrees and that relationship doesn't seem to extinguish after graduation.

If you know a Scottie, it probably didn't take you long to figure out that they were a part of the Black Ring Mafia. It could be because they all seem to love those rings and wear them every day (I literally only talked to one ASC grad who didn't wear hers and it was due to the fact that she lost it). It could be because they tend to hang out in Scottie packs as they usually try to remain friends after graduation. Or it could be because they seem to be able to work the school into conversation a little more than one would expect.

Whatever the reason, there is obviously something special about Agnes Scott; something that goes way beyond televised muscles and mascots. I'm totally jealous. I imagine it to be very much like Hogwarts. So, yeah... Go Scotties!



**Thanks to all the ASC grads who helped me out with this blog post.

Five of my Own Personal Mindfucks

We all use little mental tricks sometimes to help us do things we aren't exactly happy about or good at. Pep-talks in the mirror before a job interview, favorite songs on the radio before a bi date, the promise of a new dress after dropping those last few pounds... Everybody has their go-to techniques for self motivation. Here are five geeky things I do to give myself a mental leg up on the tasks at hand.

My Special Water Cup: Anyone who's ever kept count understands that it is truly difficult to ingest 8 glasses of water a day unless you're hungover, or working in the dead heat of summer. I detest drinking water. It's so boring to me that the act of finishing even one glass is truly an accomplishment. So, in an effort to make things less mundane, I look for cool cups to drink out of. I tell myself that I can only drink water out of these specific cups, so if I want to use them, I have to chug the H2O. It's not the greatest trick in the book, but it's been a tremendous help to me in bumping up my water consumption on my SparkPeople page.

Super Hero Pills: Medicating myself with large, chalky, un-coated pills is not only a huge chore, it's also a genuine problem. It's incredibly difficult for me to choke down an anti-biotic the size of Texas when it clings to my tongue, my cheek, and the back of my throat. This last round of medicinal ingestion was made much easier due to some advice from my good friend Cara. "Just pretend it's a super hero pill," she said to me offhandedly as I bemoaned the task from my cube. Sure enough I popped the sucker into my mouth, thought about its Captain America-esque healing powers and swallowed it down in no time. Now 'getting well soon' is mixed with a little comic book charm.

Paparazzi Elliptical Training: Don't get me wrong, I love tearing up the elliptical at the gym. But sometimes you're just having a 'blah' day and your iPod absolutely hates you. When this happens to me I think about all those US Magazine segments where the paparazzi snags pictures of celebrities in the most unflattering poses. I imagine I'm a celebrity and there's some douchebag with a camera shooting me right at that moment Then I think about getting called out about it on some show like Ellen. "What in the world are you thinking about in this shot?" she'd ask. And I'd reply with something like "Oh, I was listening to High School Musical and channeling Zach Efron while I trained for my new role in the next Tarantino flick." By the time I'm through with the interview it's time for the cool down.

Taking the Stairs Like Bruce Willis: Any time I'm in a stairwell by myself I always think of Die Hard. I am John McClane and there is a well dressed German super villain just waiting to send his minions out after me. I open and close the stairwell doors as silently as possible. If I'm about to enter the stairwell, and hear someone coming down the hall, I move swiftly so as to avoid detection. Yippe Ki Yay motherfucker!

Roller Coaster Space Shuttle Training: Even though I have a blast riding roller coasters, I always have to psyche myself up to actually get on them. When I was younger, one of the coolest things in the world to me was space travel. So, I used this concept to force myself to get over the roller coaster jitters and quit being a pussy. I pretended that the rides were part of some sort of NASA training program. This may speak to the entities ultimate demise, because anyone who would take  my screaming ass into space should up their standards. But it still works even though funding has been cut from one of my favorite government establishments. Now I just pretend the coasters are for Viper training.

So, whether you pretend you're Barry White while making love to your woman or you tap the bat twice to your left cleat before swinging away... You're certainly not alone.

Deadly Premonition is Hazardous to My Health

Last week I bought two games from my local Game Stop: BulletStorm and Deadly Premonition. BulletStorm was great for the first five minutes of figuring out that I was actually rewarded for shooting people in the nuts. Then I was over it. This weekend I decided to give some attention to Deadly Premonition. My waiting a week to start the game had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that my best friend was actually in town this weekend. I'm certainly not afraid to play scary games in a house all by myself. (Note pussified sarcasm)

Here's the trailer to Deadly Premonition

Not exactly a warm and fuzzy romp through the forest with crazy mushrooms to pounce upon. The thing about Deadly Premonition is that it's probably one of the worst games out there. Within seconds of seeing the intro I was bemoaning the graphics that were almost as shitty as a first gen Xbox title. Then there was the ridiculous main character and his schizophrenic relationship with me. But worst of all were the super outdated combat mechanics. Part shitty FPS, part top down Resident Evil ONE blundering, this game was destined for failure.

Why did I keep playing it?

I have no idea. I think it was just the ridiculous notion that the game was even published that spurred me on. I just kept waiting to find one redeeming quality in a effort to justify not only my purchase, but the games existence.

About an hour in my BFF Jen entered the room and asked me about it. I told her that it sucked and she concurred. But I kept playing, she kept watching and we both alternated between laughing at the atrocious dialogue and holding our breath through the frustrating, yet terrifying combat. This game was bad/good and we were under its spell.

I think it was around the 8th hour of game play (we literally only stopped for Wendy's and booze) that I injured myself. That, dear readers, is missing skin.

You may be asking how my special needs ass managed this. Well, the answer is simple. During one assanine chase scene through a lumber mill, you are required to make the main character run by rapidly moving the left analog stick from left to right. My left thumb just wasn't getting the job done, but I found that if quickly passed my palm over the rubber pad, I could move things along fast enough. And it did end up working. My character made it out unscathed. My hand, however, did not. It lost a nice chunk of skin.

The thing is, I wanted to continue playing. One Wall-E band-aid...

... And a little gauze later... (Thank god we had that Grey's Anatomy party!)

And I was ready to go again! So was Sam.

The moral of the story here is that being a video game dork can be dangerous business. Sometimes the rewards come at a price. I can now safely say that I've given blood, sweat and tears to my proud gaming past. I could possibly have a scar to prove it. So, before you pick up that next exciting title, make sure you know that the cost doesn't end with the price tag.

And make sure to invest in gauze. BATTLE WOUND SELF SHOT!

A Blogger Blogging about Google+... That's Original

Ah, social networking: the greatest time suck invented since the television. Most of us remember Myspace and how very unique and popular we felt as our friends perused our carefully constructed pages filled with lists of things we liked and a background choice that, no doubt, took more careful consideration than our majors in college. Then there was facebook: streamlined, elitist and, at times, a logistically confusing site that we weren’t so keen to jump into at first.

Then we found out there were mafias, farms and witty bumper stickers so we sailed on over like pilgrims to the new world!

While Myspace took a nose dive, it’s still the place to be if you are an up-and-coming musician too cheap to actually pay for advertising. You can spam other up and coming musicians who will have no choice other than to spam you back. Honestly, I imagine Myspace as a land full of people with low social skills and way too much time on their hands… or hipsters. But I repeat myself.

Facebook is still the place to be. Everyone and their grandmother has a facebook. Trust me. I found that out when I made a double penetration joke and gave a bit of a shock to a friend's granny who was trying to keep up with the times. Even if you aren’t all that into 'Zuckerberg’s famous pig,' you pretty much have to have one to keep up with non-web-based times. Everyone sends evites through facebook now. If you don’t check your inbox, you may find your social calendar severely bare.

Past all the in-depth social media, there’s Twitter. Personally, I think Twitter is more marketing scheme, in the Myspace vein, than it is connection based fun. This is what happens when I go to Twitter.

1. Sign in because I’m so frakin tired of some celebrity pimpin some bullshit, that I can’t stand it anymore. I follow you because I want to feel a deeper human connection when you talk about scarfing down a Whopper, I do not give a shit about the 8,000 charities you are trying to advertise for so that you don’t feel bad about not actually giving them time or money.

2. Ooooooo more celebrities I love! Follow five more douche bags that I’m just going to have to delete later.

3. Charlie Sheen!!!!!!!!!!!!

4. Get excited for the first few texts, then get annoyed because they’re not actually from people I want to be texted by.

5. Vomit expletives every time text message tone chimes.

6. Talk about cancelling Twitter account.

7. Start back at 1.

I’m fairly certain it’s the cyber equivalent of an abusive relationship, but whatever. Now we need to get to the meat of the article: Google+.

First, let me start by saying that I’m not thrilled with the name because it requires me to use the ‘+’ symbol. That requires me to pres ‘shift’ and super extend my right pinky, inevitably missing the right key every time, and I really just can’t be bothered.

I would have much preferred GooglePlus, or GoogleU, or WeAreMothafuckinGoogleThereforeYouWillBowDownAndUseOurShit.

You’ll notice none of my suggestions require the stroking of a number key and are obviously superior due to that very fact.

Past that, I’m still working on loving Google+. There are quite a few things I like about it, but those are sometimes overshadowed by the things I either completely dislike or don’t get. Here are some things I dig about the Plus.

1. It is a nice little mixture of facebook and Twitter. Celebrities are already posting away and some of them even avoid sucking; Wil Wheaton specifically.

2. The privacy posting aspect is pretty awesome. You put people in certain bubbles, much like how you already compartmentalize them in your brain, and you can choose which bubble sees what. So if you are a fan of the drunk posting, be thankful that the family bubble isn’t on default and your mom won’t find out about the orgy you just hosted. (It’s just an example people… I hate hosting.)

3. Though there is an aspect to it that comes off as busy, navigating through the different filters really does give you a sense of control over what you want to do and see on the site. Sometimes you really just want to get a fast update from one particular group of friends. Other times, you want to waste away the seconds of your life while waiting for the coffee to finish brewing. Google+ makes this pretty simple.

4. It’s Google. Call me a fangirl if you want and then go Bing ‘Fuck off.’

5. The ‘Sparks’ are a nice touch. This little sidebar is like a bookmark for all the latest news on the shit you dig. A very cool feature and much more approachable than the bullshit updates facebook tried to pull off.

The biggest struggle for Google+ right now (besides their fucking name) is going live and getting more people on. Right now the interaction is severely lacking even if you’re a geek and have already made your way in. Fixing those kinks is going to be monumental too.

One of my friends found that every picture he’d ever sent via Gmail had posted to his photo section.

I found that all of my blog photos had done the same.

It’s little default stuff like this that can turn someone away in a heartbeat simply by opening their eyes to the massive amounts of info Google has on us. Images of Big Brother almost bombard the mind when you realize just how connected your business is to this massive corporation.

Past that there are the obvious bugs that are going to appear in a fledgling endeavor. Links don’t post correctly. Movies have sound, but no picture. Little mundane shit that should be expected, given that we are still in the testing stage.

Something that really bugged me though was the unknown aspect of exactly what happens when you put someone in your circles. Do they know you put them in your circle? If they don’t have an invite did they get one? Can they see which circle you put them in? Because I’m starting to get a little clever with the names of my circles and I’m not sure I want everyone to know where they are. And obviously I'm not the only one. Look what I found on Redditt.

These things will come with time, but Google needs to be a little more clear about just how public it’s users are being. Because sometimes… I don’t have a clue.

Will I continue to use Google+? Absolutely.

Do I anticipate it killing off my facebook addiction? I highly doubt it. But if you’re a social media junkie (AKA You have a desk job) come on over to Google+ and put me in your circle.

Ewww. Maybe the ‘+’ wasn’t the only linguistic misstep those crazy geniuses had.

Geeks, Greeks and God

There’s been a lot of geeky stuff to do in Atlanta ever since the weather warmed up. In the last week and a half I met Amber Benson, got my Greek on, and took in the rapture at Ren Fest. It’s been a good start to the season.

First of all let me say that Amber Benson is just frakin awesome.

She came into town to be a panelist at Outlantacon (Atlanta’s gay, sci-fi convention) and, to help kick off the event, appeared for free at a book signing. Homegirl walked around Outwrite, Atlanta’s prominent queer bookstore, just like any other patron of the joint. After grabbing a coffee and a Rice Crispy Treat (which made her even more endearing) she sat down mere feet away from the table I shared with my fellow Whedonites. For those of you lesbian geeks unfamiliar with Amber: go watch seasons 4-6 of Buffy, then come back and thank me after you’re done.

You don’t get much more down-to-earth than taking a shot of the crowd with your iPhone.

And she even signed my book exactly how I wanted it (though she did kinda giggle at the request).

If you look closely, you’ll see that it says: “Summer, Thanks for always calling Kennedy a slutty rebound. Love, Amber.”

It was really cool to simply listen to the entire panel talk geek writ

ing, queer writing, and queer geek writing. It was also nice to hang out with Melissa Carter, formerly of Q100’s The Bert Show. We totally geeked about fan fiction and Star Trek Voyager.

My face looks stupid because I’d just been close to Amber Benson and Angela was making fun of my shaky hands.

All in all, it was a fantastic night.

Later that week I Greeked out at the Marietta Greek Festival where we took pictures of the Greek Orthodox Church and learned a lot about its history…

This is Elijah. It’s very important you never open the door for him, lest you end up totally fucked in Nazi Germany. And if you just laughed out loud at that you better at least post a ‘haha’ in the comment section!

We also drank Ouzo.

Don’t ever do that.

The Greek Festival isn’t the only cultural experience to be had this time of year. On the day the rapture was supposed to hit, we all hopped in a car and made a trip down to the Georgia Renaissance Festival: a great excuse to wear medieval clothing in ninety degree weather.

Turkey legs and mead were consumed with gusto, tarot cards were read, and jousting commenced.

But it wasn’t until the end of the day that the world actually changed. Not for everybody, like some psychos had anticipated, but for me. You see, the Humane Society puts up a tent at Ren Fest. I managed to stay away from it for most of the day, but after a few beers and a ‘looking can’t hurt’ attitude, we made our way over to check out the puppies for adoption. There were quite a few cuties there. I asked to hear each one’s story and finally settled on walking around with two to see how we bonded. And it was when this little guy went straight for my face with the puppy kisses that I knew I was at least going to fill out some paperwork.

They found him running around near a dumpster. He was abandoned and had lost most of his hair due to a case of mange. But it was his name that made it seem like destiny was playing a part in what was going on while Jesus decided to punk out the guys who tried to capitalize on his return. The pup was found hiding in a Samuel Adams box, so they named him Samuel Adams. And being that I have an incredible affection for naming dogs after beer… it just seemed to fit. I’m already totally in love.

He thinks I’m god, I think he’s my savior. Three cheers for Samuel Adams; the jousting, rapture dog.

So This Looks like Cancer

There’s this great story about elephants. A guy is walking around some circus grounds and he comes upon one of these massively magnificent creatures. Looking down he notices that the only thing keeping the elephant from escaping and possibly reeking complete havoc on the entire staff of the circus is a metal stake in the ground and a steel chain cuffed around one of the elephant’s feet. Befuddled, he asks one of the ringmasters why the elephant doesn't just use its strength to pull the stake out of the ground and run away. The ringmaster explains that it’s all mental. At birth the elephants are imprisoned in the same way and they can’t physically break free from their bonds. When they get older they’re still under the same impression. The elephant isn't held back by the stake, it’s held back by the limits of its own mind.

This translates perfectly in superhero stories as well.

You’ve seen it a hundred times: a hero encounters someone who seems trustworthy and superior in both manner and appearance. They wear white and talk in knowledgeable, calm tones. It’s as if they’ve been given some greater insight into the world at large, and they are there to help guide him on his way. What the hero doesn’t realize is that these people view their knowledge as license to act with subjective morality. And he believes in their ultimate infallibility, he’s also subject to failing once he finds out that they are just another eating, farting, shitting human being just like the rest of us. It’s then he must depend on his own wits to save Gotham.

People mind fuck us every day. Well, ladies and Anthony, I’m here to tell you that I am so done getting mind fucked by at least one group of people: self righteous doctors.

They’re even evil on TV!

We trust doctors to care for us. It’s

even on the frakin doors to most of their buildings: Primary CARE Physician, Urgent CARE Facility, Hipster CARE Located in Rear.

Ok, the last one was a lie, but the point is, we put ourselves into these people’s care and I expect that ‘care’ to have a little ‘give a fuck’ attached to it.

Just this week I went to have some moles checked out mostly because this one on my chest looked kind of like splitting cells and all I could think was I have cancer.

I go, for the first time, to see this dermatologist who’s located close by and perfect for a lunchtime visit. The bedside manner was ridiculous. I literally felt like I was going through the QT for a body check.

“Hi, I’m doctor ______, I understand you have some spots you want checked out, so let’s go ahead and get started. Ok, this one is just a blood vessel (insert medical term here because I had no time to process it). It’s totally fine, but not so good looking, cutting it off won’t be a problem. Let’s see your back,” she says turning me as if I weren’t capable on my own.

“My mom always tells me to get this big one check-“ I try to motion in the direction of the mole I meant.

“Yeah, that one’s totally fine: it can stay,” she interrupts.

I breathe a sigh of relief.

“But this one looks like cancer so we’ll probably need to cut it off as well and send it out to the lab,” she turns me back around. “Ok, go ahead and lie down on the table.”

My mind completely stopped listening after she threw the word cancer in my direction as if she were offering me a cookie. Images cropped up of Izzy lying on that hospital bed in Seattle Grace all because she didn’t go to the dermatologist regularly… And then she lost George!

“Whoa, whoa!” I exclaim. “If it does come back cancer, am I going to die?”

“No, we just cut more of your skin off.”

Thank god she was more physically sensitive than she was emotionally. That’s the problem though. They know more than us and some of them do not fucking care how this kind of news is delivered. Had I not asked more in depth questions, and researched what was going on, I literally would have gone home assuming the worst.

Whether they like to talk the ignorant public or not, it’s their job. Educating a patient about what’s going on in their body is incredibly important for their mental well-being. And I’m sorry, but if you have some sort of social anxiety, don’t pursue a career that puts you in the path of the general public on a 15 minute basis.

This isn’t the first time it’s happened to me either. I had a cyst the size of a grapefruit in my abdomen for months because the emergency room doctor told me I just needed to take a dump. Even after I told her I’d been shitting just fine!

Obviously there are wonderful doctors out there that truly care about their patients, but this is becoming more the exception than the rule. We cannot be the elephant tied down by our own pride and ignorance. Our reliance on doctors to put their sole focus on us, and not their golf game, is ill founded.

Take a look in their eyes and realize that they are just as imperfect as you in so many ways. Be your own fuckin’ hero and think outside of the shackle of ignorance.

And don't let it stop there. Do whatever you have to do to feel enough worth in yourself that you can stand toe to toe with anyone and demand the respect you deserve for simply being human; just like them.

Because being just you is probably more awesome than you think.

Geek Weight Loss Tools

This year I’ve been really dedicated to fitting into smaller jeans (not skinny jeans, you frakin hipsters), and my methods have actually garnered results that are decent enough to put stock in. Since about mid January I’ve lost 18 pounds, and I’d be remiss to say that this wasn’t due to quite a few geeky tools of the trade. So, since losing just under 20 pounds automatically makes me an expert in physical fitness, I’m here to share some of the most useful things I’ve learned with… well probably just Anthony. Hey Anthony!

So here are a few tips and tricks I’ve used that really seem to stick.

Diet:

First of all do not take that word so fucking literally. Those fraking fad diets do not work. The easiest way to lose weight is to simply eat less. I know, it seems so ridiculous: don’t shove as much shit down your throat and you’ll lose weight. But it’s true. Also, an even bigger pain in the ass, you have to dissect what you eat a little bit. Seriously you could be alternating between cereal and hot pockets for breakfast and have absolutely no clue that trading one for the other could save you way more room in your caloric budget.

So how do you keep up with what goes down the hatch?

-SparkPeople: This site is an extremely useful resources if you stick with it long enough. They have a nutritional ‘food diary’ type tab that helps you keep track of what’s going into your body and their database is massive so it makes food journaling waaaay easier than it ever rightfully should have been. On top of that it gives you different fitness and weight loss goals to strive for and there is just something so magical about moving those little meters in the positive category. Past that, SparkPeople is great for networking with other people who want to lose weight. It works for motivation, accountability, and making friends. You don’t have to stick with the mundane task of logging every little thing you do after a while. Pretty soon you’ll remember to eat this rather than that, just because you’ve already seen its effects via the nutrition log. This site, honestly, is a must.

-Portion control: I really hate to beat a dead horse on this one, but Americans eat way too fucking much in one sitting. Try to stick to the actual portion size provided on whatever you’re eating. And try not to go out to eat. If you do, make it a special thing. The less time you spend at restaraunts will shrink your pants and fatten up your wallet.

-Cut the little corners: Get the skim milk instead of whole, grab the diet soda instead of the sugary shit, and use the fake butter instead of the real stuff. Sometimes saying this to people puts them on a tangent about standards. Well, look, if the standard size of your ass isn’t fitting in your jeans anymore you’re either going to have to make some sacrifices or buy new jeans. I do every single one of the things I just listed and after a while it really doesn’t matter that much anymore. Plus I drink low calorie beer. If you knew what a sin that is in my world, you’d realize the depth of my sacrifice.

Exercise:

You have to do it…

Yeah, that’s about it.

I’ve gotten to the point where I do something physical nearly every single day and it doesn’t have to only include the gym. You’d be amazed at how sore simple yard work can make you the next day. Same goes for dragging a growing baby around, or just screwing around with wooden swords with your best friend on a drunken Tuesday night. But, the gym is also kinda mandatory if you’re not planning to straight-up run every day. Here are some things that make the monotony a little more bearable.

-Get an MP3 player. First of all, it helps keep your mind occupied, but it can also serve as a block for those pesky people who come to the gym to socialize. Plug in your earbuds and your less likely to hear about little Tyler’s second birthday party.

-Make friends with intervals. Interval training is basically hopping on the elliptical and doing 20 second bursts of super fast running interceded by breaks. My favorite way to do this is by using song tempos as my guide. Run during the chorus, jog during the rest. Unless you’re super moved by the hook. Steady running on a treadmill can drain you of your energy an garner seriously meager results. So crank up the BSG theme song, and beat that machine like the Cylonic descendant it is!

-Don’t skip the weight lifting. You need to work smarter, not harder. Building muscle burns calories even when you’re asleep and dreaming of stealing Penny away from Leonard right before Sheldon ruins the moment with an off kilter sentiment. Lift weights three times a week and let your intellectual superiority take care of the rest.

Extra little tidbits:

Activia: You eat the shit outta it, it’ll shit the eat outta you. It may be a gross idea, but hell, it gets things done.

Break-ups: Seriously, if you’re heartbroken, you’re in for one of the best appetite suppressants ever. Use it.

Go clothes shopping: Either you’ll feel bad about not fitting into something, or you’ll feel good about losing a pant size. Either one can be used for motivation.

Water: Drink it like it’s… well water.

My Biggest Hopes for Mass Effect 3

I remember the first time I started my journey aboard the Normandy with this customizable character named Shepard. I made her into a badass version of myself. The kind of brave, crass, attractive chick I’ve always wanted to be. I loved helping this intricate avatar make all the decisions I would if given the chance. BioWare truly understands how to immerse you into a world upon pressing the play button. Shepard’s creation, movements, and commands were easy to pick up and run with, right away.

After hours on end of making progress with combat, communication and quests, all of my efforts were rewarded with the chance to embark on my own missions with the Normandy as my vessel to command. It was after I’d chosen the tone of my pep-talk and set out on my own to defend the galaxy that I realized Mass Effect was so much more than just a game, it was an experience like nothing I’d ever garnered from the FPS days of my past.

Mass Effect 2 did not disappoint either. There was a lot of doubt in the back of my mind after witnessing the events of the first few minutes, but after I’d just allowed myself to flow with the game, instead of against it, I was right back in the action and glad to be there. With a few tweaks to game play, and character depth that rivaled its predecessor, Mass Effect 2 captivated its audience and kept the pace fresh with new gameplay mechanics. It was also one of the very few games I’ve ever played that made me want to pop in the first installment within minutes of finishing. It simply blew my mind how much my decisions from the first game effected the way the sequel played, and I absolutely had to see what would happen if different choices were made.

Now that we’ve been teased with a trailer for Mass Effect 3 and Game Informer has offered up a huge first look, it’s difficult to contain the excitement that will only be satisfied in the last few months of the year. Here is my list of the top five things I want to see in Mass Effect 3:

1. Some serious Council comeuppance. These motherfuckers have served as the biggest pain in my balls since the moment I first stood before them. I want to see Shepard rise above them in a way that doesn't involve the rest of the world getting all pissy.

2. Better fuckin minigames. Seriously, if I have to troll planets with a rover, or scan them with probes just so I can get enough minerals to advance my armor, I’m not going to be happy… No matter how fun it was to listen to Tricia Helfer spout off “Probe away” every time I did said scanning.

3. More girl on girl action. What? I’m a lesbian and a geek. This was required by law to go on the list.

4. Balanced weapon/skill/armor customization. The first one was far too in depth with all the D&D style points you could place wherever you wanted. The second one was so sparse with the control the player could have, that I longed for the old system. Let’s really pull a Goldilocks on this one, boys and make that shit juuuuuust right.

5. Validation for Shepard. It’s hard to save the entire fucking universe and then have a bunch of ungrateful bitches complain about how their side of the fence isn’t as green as the other guys since you saved their sorry asses. It’s harder yet to do that shit twice, and I’ll go ahead and assume that Shepard is going to get a lot of flack for not helping out every weakling he/she could before saving the day. At the end of the game, I want a major sense of appreciation to come Shepard’s way.

The great thing about BioWare is that they tend to deliver even when they don’t. I didn’t end up getting everything I wanted out of Mass Effect 2, but that allowed me to enjoy a lot of other things that I hadn’t even thought of. To say the least, I’m along for this ride all the way to the end. I want action, devastation, laughter, tears, sex, joy, pain and everything I haven’t dared hope for from a game.

Are you as psyched as I am about ME3? Drop me a line and let me know what you’re most looking forward to.

Lesbian and the Geek

Lesbian trends have gone through quite a few changes as the decades have done their dance of time. In the 60’s and 70’s they were bra burning feminists making a stand for all of woman-kind. In the 80’s they were mullet-wearing sports nuts who made the fashion of the time seem even more deplorable. In the 90’s they were crunchy, hippie Lilith Fairies who’s passions included peasant shirts and powerbeads.

Today’s lesbians tend to define themselves in a fashion that used to be looked down upon by all parties. Geeks truly have established themselves in this new generation, but nowhere is geekdom perceived more as a turn on than in the lesbian community. The average straight girl doesn’t get her jollies off thinking about the cast of The Big Bang Theory, but you put an episode of fourth season Buffy on at a party full of dykes and you’ll have the crowd creaming their pants over Willow and Tara’s magic tricks in no time.

Spend a little time on the Girls seeking Girls section on Ok Cupid and one word that constantly pops up is ‘geek’. Geek is the new “I’m laid back” or “I’m just a down-to-earth girl.” To be completely honest, I won’t really consider dating a girl if she isn’t a geek in some way, because that’s what I’m attracted to. There’s even a correlation linking how desirable your profile is based on what fandoms you might be into. While Star Trek and Xena are on a bit of a downswing, putting Dr. Who or Buffy on your list of favorite TV shows is the lesbian equivalent of a straight guy saying his biggest influence in life is Edward Cullen.

But how did this happen? When did the socially awkward lesbian who finds solace in Marion Zimmer Bradley become a hot date?

Probably when we all started to realize that geek culture has allowed more opportunity for queer characters to enter their ranks. Sci-fi/Fantasy producers noticed early on that there was an large market of homosexuals getting into their stuff. Some of the first gay fanfiction ever written was based on Star Trek the original series. From there slash-fiction became a staple of nearly every Science Fiction program out there. Xena/Gabrielle, Buffy/Faith, Starbuck/Rosalyn… it’s all out there. And the powers that control our favorite mediums of entertainment understand that. Gay subtext can be found in even the most unlikely of places, but it draws in the intended audience and gets them to talk about their favorite new shows.

But past the obvious geekery, there’s a mountain of other stuff to geek out about. Music nerds, foodies, gamers… Having at least one obsession promotes the fact that you’re passionate about something and, in the end, I think that’s really what the lesbian population gets off on. So while opening a conversation with “I’m an aspiring singer song writer” may not go as far today as “I was once on an elevator with David Tennant” it’s cut from the same cloth. But, damn, am I glad to be a lesbian during a time when a pair of glasses and a fanfiction pen name are favorable traits. Long live the lezzy geek!

My Top 5 Podcasts

A couple of years ago, after dumping a fuckton of money on iTunes for audiobooks, I found some of the most audibly entertaining media on the internet. If you don't know what a podcast is by now, you're probably not all that technologically savvy or... well... you're old. Not only do most people listen to podcasts, nearly everybody and their brother has had one at some point. So it's easy to get caught up in a lot of crap and be turned off by the whole medium. However, after years of listening to some of the best and worst productions ever to grace my mp3 player, I started to find the shows that best suited my earbuds. And here they are in most favored order.

1. Keith and the Girl

I can't recall what led me to download an episode of these two potty-mouths talking shit, but after hearing the first episode I clicked the subscribe button and have been hooked ever since. Comedian Keith Malley and singer Chemda Khalili started the show six years ago as a couple. They worked as clowns, wrote books, broke-up, and still have managed to sustain a partnership that is effortlessly transferred onto the RSS feed. Their podcast has garnered fans so passionate that their caricatures and phrases have even ended up as body art on their loyal denizens. So whether Keith's regaling a tale about ejaculating during a lap dance, Chemda is pranking some customer service tool, or one of their many hilarious guests is commenting on life, the show is bound to have something that'll make you laugh out loud

2. Diggnation

Any geek worth their Caprican quarried salt knows about digg.com. Diggnation is a video podcast that relates some of the most dugg stories from digg.com through the comedic reparte of Kevin Rose and Alex Albrecht. And I know it's somewhat predictable of me to already picked two shows with lesbian hosts, but Alex really does try to pull off a straight girl act every now and then. All jokes aside, Diggnation is a fun way to catch up on stuff you might have missed in your facebook feed.

3. Movies You Should See

God I love the British. Join Richard, Allison, Craig and Will as they comment on movies of all shapes, sizes and pretensions. The best part of this podcast could be the tangents that they go off on. It's always nice to hear their opinion of the film, or a disagreement about the quality, but this cast truly shines when they deviate from the intended path. It's easy to feel like you've been transported to a pub with some of your best mates and settled in for a pint coupled with good conversation.

4. NPR's Snap Judgement

NPR generally puts me to sleep quicker than ambien and heavy alcohol use. But this podcast definitely gets something right. The stories are interesting, well paced, and sometimes masterfully told. Plus it's the only podcast on my list that doesn't include swearing so it's actually safe for work. Give it a listen if you want something different than the average podcast.

5. The Totally Rad Show

I'm sure adding this one will totally put me in the Revision 3 fangirl category, but I honestly don't give a shit. They make some of the best geek podcasts out there. I'm a geek, I like podcasts... I'm probably going to like a lot of their products. The Totally Rad Show follows Alex, Dan and Jeff as they talk about their impressions of movies, games, comics and geek culture. The varying opinions of all three hosts lends an excellent sense of objectivity to their reviews and witty remarks keep the pace running smoothly. It's a total must.

Of course, this isn't the definitive list of awesome podcasts available to the masses. I've got a one as long as my arm of shows that are also fantastic representations of the craft. These are simply the shows I find myself always going back to and talking about with my friends. Wanna share your list with me? Shoot over a line in the comments and let me know what else I should be downloading.