My 2014

2014 really was a pretty big and important year for me. I had to grow up in a lot of substantial ways.

It was the first time I've ever lived alone and was fully financially responsible for everything in my life.

It was the second time I ever had to leave a home of sorts.

And it was the year I found one of those incredible, poetic and novel-worthy loves.

In hindsight, it's always been the challenging times where I've actually thrived. Where I look back on all of it and think "That was an adventure that felt like a nightmare" I think most parts of this year felt that way because the foreign concept of all of the experiences was absolutely terrifying.

Living alone has taught me a great deal; most importantly that I actually can do it. I don't even like the idea of sleeping alone. Much less sleeping without someone in the house. And definitely not knowing that I may never go to sleep with someone in the house ever again. What if there are ghosts?!?

But I did learn to go to sleep alone... I actually learned how to be good at that a long time ago. You just get a dog that will cuddle.

And I learned how to go to sleep without anyone in the house. You buy a machete from RenFest, a door chime from Walmart and you grow a pair of balls after a while that end up being so substantial that you no longer need the door chime and sometimes you even forget to lock the door. And, if you get afraid of ghosts, Gilmore Girls will usually scare them away.

Now I'm actually pretty good at living alone. I enjoy what little time I have to reflect in silence. I make sure to give Sam lots of attention. And I can be totally gross and eat stuff that falls on my shirt and no one will judge me for just saying 'fuck' it and leaving it there.

So, yeah. Fear conquered and personal growth acquired.

Leaving my first real big-girl job was a little more difficult. The Gilmore Girls couldn't really do much for me with that. I was making less than an assistant manager at a gas station and the company was no longer going in the direction that I had been passionate about. Literally and figuratively. The office was moving further away and I couldn't afford to work there anymore.

Leaving there was like leaving home and family. Because I spent enough time in that office to call it home and the people inside were family in my eyes. It was very difficult to let go and think about how I wouldn't see them every day. Wouldn't have time for happy hours anymore. Wouldn't have the delicious meat wraps from the office building cafe.

Luckily I walked into a great group of people at my new job. I managed to keep contact from time to time with my old friends and make some new ones. I've also worked harder and faced more mental challenges at this new place than I have at any other. It's a new office so it's like a start-up and each individual plays a part in creating the culture and setting the standards. This has really made me grow up. It's made me learn to focus and trust myself; rely on my intelligence and capabilities much more than I had before.

I'm very proud of what I've accomplished concerning my career this year. And next year, I feel things are going to be even better.

Now, the last big thing I did was fall in love. And, even though that should have scared the hell out of me. It didn't. It still doesn't. It's big and beautiful and absolutely doing nothing but making me happier and happier. It's one of those loves that sets the bar of comparison for all things wonderful in the future.... And possibly tragic depending on how long she can put up with me but we'll see how that goes. I'm becoming much more charming in my old age.

All in all. This has been a good year. Challenging, scary, magical and wonderful... But overall... I had a really good 2014. And, come this time next year, I'm pretty sure I'll look back on it fondly.

Cheers everyone. I hope you had a good year too!

Gold's Gym's Stride Trainer is Really a Pride Strainer

After a few weeks of owning this machine, I have but one goal: to use it until it breaks and throw a party to dismantle it with baseball bats in a fit of rage fueled vengeance. If any of my neighbors happen to be awake in the wee hours of the morning when I use it, they must think that I am a big fan of demeaning hate-sex given the amount of times that "You like that, you bitch?" comes out of my mouth in reference to this device. Once it is fully battered beyond submission, I plan to take the remains and dump them outside a gym of its namesake so they can have their Satan spawn back. All of it, save one part: the battery powered digital screen that mocks me with fervor every session. That will be mounted on my wall like a dead animal after a grueling hunt.

Because putting it on a stake in my front yard would just be overboard and tasteless.

Let me make it make it very clear that my expectations of this piece of fitness equipment were not over reaching given both the price and the fact that it was available at Walmart. I understood that this machine would not feel as stable, have as many features or last as long as professional gym equipment.

That being said, let me explain just how crappy this hunk of junk is.

First, the best workout I've gotten from it was putting it together. Not even the most sadistic engineers from the bowels of IKEA hell could have imagined the hand cramping torture of putting together a massive piece of machinery with nothing more than allen wrenches. It took hours, the manual was not well thought out and my hands nearly went numb from all the screwing. And NOT in the good way.

The first experience using this device was kind of what I expected. It was awkward and not as sleek as the equipment in the gym but I was ok with the purchase as a whole. I know I got what I paid for.

By the third use things were different. I could absolutely tell that this monstrosity was failing. There was creaking, popping, thumping and the rocking of the front base was far more than it should be. The thing is already falling apart.

I am not over the weight limit and I am respecting the integrity of something that was put together by a novice in Swedish building form.

It's legitimately just a piece of shit meant to take your money much like Gold's Gym is known for anyway.

$250 divided out by 12 months is almost exactly $20/months. You can get a gym membership at most affordable fitness centers for that price and access to far more than a shoddy built 'stride trainer' that will absolutely not make it 12 months with even once a week of regular use.

Do yourself a favor bypass this snake oil sale. 

Why the OUAT Fanbase Should be More Like the NFL Fanbase (and Vice Versa)

Ok, I'll make no bones about it. I'm a big fan of the hit ABC series Once Upon a Time.

Like, a big fan. Huge. Huge to the point that my non-Oncer friends basically just want me to shut up about it and my Oncer friends are now extensions of my soul. That kind of huge. This show is crack. And to be honest, past Season 1, it's not exactly the greatest television experience on prime time. But I love it that much. A lot of Oncers do. We suffer through crappy story lines, lazy characterization, bad CGI and and plot holes the size of Texas.

Why? 

Because in the very first episode, when we all watched that clock start working again, we felt something magical. And any adult will tell you that magic is precious. It's something that falls away with the disappointment, the monotony and the heartbreak of life. So, when you find it, you tend to hold on to that shit.

I am not a pro-football fan. Like, at all.

The closest I ever come to football is throwing back cold ones and scarfing some wings when my friends watch the college stuff... Where, when you do bad things in real life, you don't get off so easy.

So, I don't know much about the NFL in general... With the exception of what I see on the news concerning the players and, now convicts involved.

Drug abuse, domestic violence, rape, dog-fighting, and outright murder. 

Now, before any of you start jumping down my throat about this being the exception, not the rule, let me just say that NOT EVERY PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL PLAYER IS A BAD PERSON.

Plenty of players in the NFL make it a point to do good things for the world like donating to charity, mentoring kids and leading very socially accepted moral lives. You go Tim Tebow!

But, these are men who are paid to knock the shit out of each other on the field and then praised for it. You can't expect that this kind of environment will always take in, and churn out, the greatest societal individuals.

They are modern day Gladiators and we are the Romans in the coliseum.

Having said that. This post isn't about pitting one fan base against another. It's about realizing what we can learn to be better fans all around from each other.

The Once Upon a Time fandom is one of the most wonderful and terrible that I've ever seen. I'm not kidding. This show about fucking fairy tales creates within its viewers heroes and monsters of all sorts. 

Most of it revolves around this thing we call 'ships'. No, not like the Jolly Roger. I'm talking about relationships; and the ones we all back as our OTP (One True Pairing).

To bring this back to the analogy, our ships are like our favorite football team.

I'm a SwanQueen and TinkerQueen fan, in case anybody was wondering.

But there are lots more. Rum(p)Belle, OutlawQueen and CaptainSwan, just to name a few.

So, what happens in Once Upon a Time is people get so obsessed with their OTP that they basically devolve as people and turn into hate mongers and internet trolls if they don't get what they want on-screen. 

They even attack the actors sometimes: people who have no say, and probably no care, in what specifically happens to their romantic story lines past maybe thinking that it's cute or not wanting to kiss the guy with garlic breath.

Now, like football players, Once Upon a Time fans do not all turn into obsessive, self-important, annoying virtual bullies. A lot of us just like to picture our OTP kissing and get excited when they're on-screen together.

But the trolls exist and they form in massive quantities with the soul purpose of taking out every disappointment they've ever had in life on the writers, actors and other fans. And it's really sad, hurtful and ultimately the exact opposite of everything this show is supposed to be about. 

See, football fans can look at one of the players on their team doing truly heinous stuff and kinda just be pissed that their actions might jeopardize the overall performance of the team. The level of disgust I see within the football community over the crimes of its players is pretty minimal. 

But Jennifer Morrison can tweet a picture of a butterfly and that will somehow enrage SwanQueen, CaptainSwan and SwanFire fans so much that they have a social media meltdown.

So, if I might give my opinion of where these two should meet, (and I will because this is my blog) I'd like to say it's at that ambiguous part of life that we all tend to steer clear of: the middle.

Football fans need to be less dismissive and more critical of players on their own teams.

Once Upon a Time fans need to learn to take a chill pill and let it all the fuck go. Or at least stop acting like thirteen year old spoiled children that should have had their iPhones plucked from their hands after the first 100 stalker tweets they made. 

I love people who love stuff. I love my Oncer family and I love the guy with face paint and cheese on his head screaming with joy because his team won the World Series. (don't freak out, I know that's a basketball reference)

But, when something you love makes you hate, it's turning into a bad thing.

And when something you love makes you look the other way when it comes to violence, it's also turning into a bad thing.

The point: Let's all try to not turn into monsters. 

By action or though acquiescence. 

And, oh yeah...

Stranger in a Strange Land: Super Bowl 2013

As a lesbian, I should have the sports fan gene.

 

I definitely do not. 

In fact, I had no idea the Super Bowl was this weekend until I was invited to a pig-skinned themed party.  

I believe the geek gene has actually proved dominant in the sports arena and trumped the lesbo pre-reqs.

Anyway, I really dug the people that were hosting said soirée, and decided to take a step out of my nerd comfort zone and socialize with normal people during a socially allocated time of jock jubilation.  

So, I did what any good nerd would do, I googled the event beforehand. In my search I learned that the Baltimore Ravens would be competing against the SanFrancisco 49ers with a break in the middle to observe the worship of one Beyonce Knowles. 

I even put a tweet out there beforehand to get myself in the spirit.

Side note: If you’re on Twitter, hook me up with a follow. I’m about as popular as that girl with a fever blister at an orgy. It’s starting to affect my self worth.

Anyway, before I even reached my destination I learned a few things:

1. It is obviously not tacky to support a team that is uninvolved in the event by wearing their jersey on game day at the QT and complaining about said team you are supposed to be supporting.

2. I am quick enough to physically sneak in to a fast-moving apartment gate.

Upon arrival I was met by a lovely hostess who made sure to set me up with whatever food and beverage I so desired. This is never a bad way for anything to start off. 

Socially dictated nutrition for events such as the Super Bowl involves very high amounts of protein, many in the form of chicken or pork. There are also a variety of dips, and vehicles for dip, at the ready should one simply prefer to snack. Beverages include beer... Lots of beer... Beer consumed in mass quantities either by choice or game penalties. I did spot one person drinking water, but my research would suggest that this is an anomaly. 

Once I was settled in and getting my drink on I started realizing the socialization that occurs before and sometimes throughout the event actually has nothing to do with football. I chatted about everything from iPhones to Celebrity Death Match. But, I must admit, the ‘You remember that one time when we were drunk...’ stories were my favorite. It’s the best way to really get to know new people.

Another enjoyable pastime is looking through the television directory for Animal Planet in an effort to watch the Puppy Bowl. Female attendees were particularly drawn to this waterhole of cuteness; myself included.

Once the game started I noticed a segregation starting to form within the crowd: those who were truly into watching the game and those who had really showed up just to socialize.

Eureka!

An unexpected deviation from my theoretical expectations! I could both watch parts of the game as well as Yuk it up with the various party participants.

After more beers and excellent conversation, Beyonce rocked the fucking house with arguably one of the best halftime shows to be constructed. (I actually missed this part, but streamed it this morning and was glad I did, because my little nerd brain flooded with memories of singing “Independent Woman” at full volume in my car when I was a teenager in high school.)

I received a text from my BFF asking me if she’d always been this hot. To which I recalled, yes... Yes she has.

 

Then Beyonce made the lights go out because she was so dope. I wouldn’t have wanted to follow her either. Time to just turn off the lights!

So, after Beyonce won the game I decided to bounce given that I had some clothes to wash if I didn’t wish to show up at work today in my Batman attire.

The point, little geeklings, is that you should do stuff you don’t normally do. Because it can be awesome. You don’t have to go places where you know you can get into conversations on the depths of the Whedonverse to have fun.

So, go forth and multiply thy social skills! And thanks to those who decided to help me further mine.

Book Review: The Nerdist Way by Chris Hardwick

A couple of years ago I was skimming through the podcast options in the iTunes store and came upon one aptly entitled 'Nerdist'. I thought 'Hey, I'm totally a nerd. I should probably check this out. Low and behold, the host was none other than Chris Hardwick; former host of MTV's ridiculously douchey dating show Singled Out. 

Just look at him with his little 'hair drapes'.

Anyway, I had no idea the guy was such a nerd. He related stories of chess club tournaments, had an affection for tech talk, and was completely obsessed with Dr. Who. I found myself drawn to his excitement and overall positive attitude toward things. He wasn't just using the microphone as a vehicle for one huge bitch session. He was actually doing something he loved and, with the help of buddies Matt Myra and Jonah Ray, making it extremely accessible and entertaining.The podcast is still going strong years later and has spawned an entire Nerdist empire.

So, when Hardwick started talking about this nerd-centric self-help book he was working on, I knew I probably should put it on my list of stuff to read. 

Hardwick writes with the same enthusiasm, humor and insight that shines through so well in his podcast. And his in depth knowledge of the Nerd psychosis is so extensive I daresay he could teach an entire college course on the subject. 

This guy gets us. Probably because he's one of us. And he comes from a place of intelligent humility that makes each sentence pregnant with a keen sense of comfort that Nerds certainly need. 

The book is broken up into three sections: Mind, Body and Time. 

The Mind portion focuses on how to best get control over all idiosyncrasies and doubts by building yourself up into the 'character' you wish to be. There is step-by-step direction on how to build a Dungeons and Dragons style character tome that helps you establish and lay out your goals. This physical representation is a great and exciting tool for anyone who needs that extra, visual push. 

The Body section is aided by the efforts of Hardwick's own personal trainer and is packed with excellent advice on how to get that dorky frame of yours into shape. A great deal of focus is placed on consistency and gradual, incremental progress. There are also plenty of cute teddy bears exhibiting just how to do each exercise suggested within. 

The Time entry is all about productivity and efficiency. Nerds can just as easily get bogged down and distracted with everyday life as the rest of the world and Hardwick has found some excellent cheat codes that serve to circumvent all of the roadblocks you may find in your way.

All of this is delivered with snark, geek references, encouragement and understanding.

I know the term 'self-help' can bring up a little bit of bile in the back of the throat due to the massive amounts of sentimental crap that stock today's shelves, but The Nerdist Way veers as far away from from that high and mighty bullshit as is possible.

If you are looking to make real, exciting fulfilling changes in your life, picking up/downloading a copy of this book is a fantastic step in that direction. 

I'd say it should be essential reading for all of us Nerds.

I'm Coming Out... Better than Jodie Foster

Everyone already knows I'm gay, but just in case you didn't, I have the balls to actually publically say the words... Unlike some people... Ahem...

Anyway, the point is, I'm coming out about something else. But I've got a cool way to tie it into Sci-fi, so give me just a few paragraphs to spit it out.

I love the film Prometheus. Despite any fanboy nitpicks or critical misgivings, I felt it was one of the greatest film experiences I ever had the pleasure of taking part in. Twice.

My favorite scene in the film occurs when David, the solemn, ridiculed and eccentric member of the team bravely takes it upon himself to investigate the purpose of the makers of his makers. Being an android, David existed in constant state of attempting to be more human. In this endeavor he both envied and was tormented by the beings which created him. With great consistency he was reminded of his unimportance simply due to his inability to be more like those who created him.

But when he dared look into the knowledge of the ‘Engineers’, the ones who created his own engineers, he was dazzled and awed by a three dimensional tale of the universe. It was magical for me, because I feel the same way David does.

I’ve been ‘out’ about my agnosticism for quite a while now and there are three questions I get on a regular basis concerning how I deal with a world devoid of any concise God.

1. What do you do when life becomes too much? When bad things happen? How do you face this existence in its darkest moments?

2. What stops you from just killing people or stealing things that don’t belong to you?

3. What do you think created the Universe? (Or, to be more semantically accurate, what started the Big Bang?)

To the first question, I didn’t always have an answer. When things were bad, they were just bad and I hated the world and whatever God may exist. I have spent more hours yelling at my ceiling than most people have actually spent thinking about this God that they claim to love so much. Then I discovered science. I actually read about the Big Bang Theory and all that it entailed. It wasn’t just some explosion wherein the main purpose was to spew out a planet that would be the birthplace of Jesus Christ and Justin Beiber.

It was the entire universe...concentrated... everything we know to ever have existed and everything that we don’t, all together. And smaller that we can ever understand. Smaller than the smallest particle of an atom.

That’s where everything was. You, me, the stars, your toilet, your greatest love, your dog... even your farts. Everything was all together. Close, heavy and hot. Then one day it expanded. It didn’t explode, it expanded. And it continues to expand.

When things get bad for me the first thing I do is try to breathe. And sometimes I cry, because no matter what people tell you, people who don’t believe in God still have feelings. Hopefully it’s night, but it if it’s not, I still wait patiently for night to come. Then I go out and look at the stars. Because, to be honest, visuals are fun. And when I look at them, I remember that I’m a part of them. Whether they like it or not. These herculean objects in the sky are the ego maniacs of the universe. Entire planets exist because of, and revolve around them. Yet I was made from so many of them. You were made from so many of them. Carl Sagan said it best when he stated accurately that ‘we are all stardust’. These masters of the living universe are what make us up. No wonder we’re all so terribly narcissistic and full of self importance.

When I see the stars I’m reminded of how close we all once were. How, good or bad, we can never truly be separated. And how there is no beginning and no end, but a continuation of experiences. And from your parents to your grandparents and all the way down the line to the existence of this planet. Billions and billions of things had to line up for you to exist. Not to mention you had to be the fastest swimmer to escape a moment of passion. Good on you for that one!

In regards to the second question I constantly get asked, I honestly start to worry that the person asking is possibly a sociopath or a kleptomaniac. Because, God or no God, laws or no laws, I generally do not wish to kill or steal. It’s called giving a shit about people. I also tend to not try to piss off these questioners. Because if God is the only thing stopping them from killing people... I do not wish to be on their shit list.

The third question usually just serves to piss off both me and the person asking because, when they ask what created the universe, I ask what created their God. Then we get in a big argument because, though it’s totally plausible for their magical, vengeful ego-maniacal, and Homo-sapien reflective God to be infinite, it’s not possible for the universe to be so.

The truth is I don’t know what created the universe. But I can prove that it exists. We all can. God however, has not been proven to exist and though people profess their lives to his existence, they can’t imagine he was created by something else.

In the end, it’s a daunting argument to win and should you ever find yourself in one I suggest you do yourself a favor and do something more productive and happy making with your time such as watching Firefly.

Anyway, the point of all of this is that I’ve made the jump from agnosticism to full blown atheism and, for some reason that I can’t quite put my finger on, wish to talk about it.

Since I was 12 I’ve been on the verge of atheism. I maintained it about 90% of the time until something truly catastrophic happened and then I would blame God. And curse loudly at him. And hate him.

And then, recently, for no reason at all, I didn’t.

I received some terrible news. News that broke my heart more than nearly every event in my life, save one. And it wasn’t health related so don’t get too excited about the world being rid of one more godless heathen. But it hurt me. 

And I cried. A lot.

But this time I didn’t yell at God. Because it was too important. Because, though this thing is going to cause me a great deal of pain, wallowing in it instead of taking action is simply not an option for me. It’s so important that I didn’t have time to bother with being angry with some outside force that probably doesn't exist. And if I could take responsibility in my own life for this, I could take it for everything else as well. I am in charge of my own happiness. No one else.

It’s a scary thought for me and most people because we see ourselves as being so limited. But I assure you, human will, along with the space between our ears, can accomplish amazing things.

There’s an excellent meme going around the internet right now that explains how we’re just a grouping of atoms taking great pains to study the atom. There’s another one that observes that we are the universe experiencing itself. Either way, we are sentient, thinking, experiencing beings and our reality truly is what we make of it.

Don’t simply walk through life believing everything you’ve been told. Question it. Question your parents, questions your preacher, question your scientists, question your leaders and then go beyond that. Question your maker. 

And like David, question your maker’s maker. 

 We were all born searching for answers. And if you believe God does truly exist, and he made us in his image, he obviously made us to want to find those answers. Never stop questioning. I truly hope whatever you find makes you happy.

Just because the truth may be scary, it still exists. Turning your head from the oncoming storm does not make it go away. You must learn from it, seek shelter and thrive.