Everyone already knows I'm gay, but just in case you didn't, I have the balls to actually publically say the words... Unlike some people... Ahem...
Anyway, the point is, I'm coming out about something else. But I've got a cool way to tie it into Sci-fi, so give me just a few paragraphs to spit it out.
I love the film Prometheus. Despite any
fanboy nitpicks or critical misgivings, I felt it was one of the greatest film
experiences I ever had the pleasure of taking part in. Twice.
My favorite scene in the film occurs when David, the solemn,
ridiculed and eccentric member of the team bravely takes it upon himself to
investigate the purpose of the makers of his makers. Being an android, David
existed in constant state of attempting to be more human. In this endeavor he
both envied and was tormented by the beings which created him. With great
consistency he was reminded of his unimportance simply due to his inability to
be more like those who created him.
But when he dared look into the knowledge of the ‘Engineers’, the
ones who created his own engineers, he was dazzled and awed by a three
dimensional tale of the universe. It was magical for me, because I feel the
same way David does.
I’ve been ‘out’ about my agnosticism for quite a while now and
there are three questions I get on a regular basis concerning how I deal with a
world devoid of any concise God.
1. What do you do when life becomes too much? When bad things
happen? How do you face this existence in its darkest moments?
2. What stops you from just killing people or stealing things that
don’t belong to you?
3. What do you think created the Universe? (Or, to be more
semantically accurate, what started the Big Bang?)
To the first question, I didn’t always have an answer. When things
were bad, they were just bad and I hated the world and whatever God may exist.
I have spent more hours yelling at my ceiling than most people have actually
spent thinking about this God that they claim to love so much. Then I
discovered science. I actually read about the Big Bang Theory and all that it
entailed. It wasn’t just some explosion wherein the main purpose was to spew
out a planet that would be the birthplace of Jesus Christ and Justin Beiber.
It
was the entire universe...concentrated... everything we know to ever have
existed and everything that we don’t, all together. And smaller that we can
ever understand. Smaller than the smallest particle of an atom.
That’s where everything was. You, me, the stars, your toilet, your
greatest love, your dog... even your farts. Everything was all together. Close,
heavy and hot. Then one day it expanded. It didn’t explode, it expanded. And it
continues to expand.
When things get bad for me the first thing I do is try to breathe.
And sometimes I cry, because no matter what people tell you, people who don’t
believe in God still have feelings. Hopefully it’s night, but it if it’s not, I
still wait patiently for night to come. Then I go out and look at the stars.
Because, to be honest, visuals are fun. And when I look at them, I remember
that I’m a part of them. Whether they like it or not. These herculean objects
in the sky are the ego maniacs of the universe. Entire planets exist because of,
and revolve around them. Yet I was made from so many of them. You were made
from so many of them. Carl Sagan said it best when he stated accurately that ‘we
are all stardust’. These masters of the living universe are what make us up. No
wonder we’re all so terribly narcissistic and full of self importance.
When I see the stars I’m reminded of how close we all once were.
How, good or bad, we can never truly be separated. And how there is no beginning
and no end, but a continuation of experiences. And from your parents to your
grandparents and all the way down the line to the existence of this planet.
Billions and billions of things had to line up for you to exist. Not to mention
you had to be the fastest swimmer to escape a moment of passion. Good on you
for that one!
In regards to the second question I constantly get asked, I
honestly start to worry that the person asking is possibly a sociopath or a
kleptomaniac. Because, God or no God, laws or no laws, I generally do not wish
to kill or steal. It’s called giving a shit about people. I also tend to not
try to piss off these questioners. Because if God is the only thing stopping
them from killing people... I do not wish to be on their shit list.
The third question usually just serves to piss off both me and the
person asking because, when they ask what created the universe, I ask what
created their God. Then we get in a big argument because, though it’s totally
plausible for their magical, vengeful ego-maniacal, and Homo-sapien reflective
God to be infinite, it’s not possible for the universe to be so.
The truth is I don’t know what created the universe. But I can
prove that it exists. We all can. God however, has not been proven to exist and
though people profess their lives to his existence, they can’t imagine he was
created by something else.
In the end, it’s a daunting argument to win and should you ever
find yourself in one I suggest you do yourself a favor and do something more
productive and happy making with your time such as watching Firefly.
Anyway, the point of all of this is that I’ve made the jump from agnosticism to full blown atheism and, for some reason that I can’t quite put my
finger on, wish to talk about it.
Since I was 12 I’ve been on the verge of atheism. I maintained it
about 90% of the time until something truly catastrophic happened and then I
would blame God. And curse loudly at him. And hate him.
And then, recently, for no reason at all, I didn’t.
I received
some terrible news. News that broke my heart more than nearly every event in my
life, save one. And it wasn’t health related so don’t get too excited about the
world being rid of one more godless heathen. But it hurt me.
And I cried. A
lot.
But this time I didn’t yell at God. Because it was too important.
Because, though this thing is going to cause me a great deal of pain, wallowing
in it instead of taking action is simply not an option for me. It’s so
important that I didn’t have time to bother with being angry with some outside force that probably doesn't exist. And if I
could take responsibility in my own life for this, I could take it for
everything else as well. I am in charge of my own happiness. No one else.
It’s a scary thought for me and most people because we see
ourselves as being so limited. But I assure you, human will, along with the
space between our ears, can accomplish amazing things.
There’s an excellent meme going around the internet right now that
explains how we’re just a grouping of atoms taking great pains to study the
atom. There’s another one that observes that we are the universe experiencing
itself. Either way, we are sentient, thinking, experiencing beings and our
reality truly is what we make of it.
Don’t simply walk through life believing everything you’ve been
told. Question it. Question your parents, questions your preacher, question
your scientists, question your leaders and then go beyond that. Question your
maker.
And like David, question your maker’s maker.
We were all born searching for answers. And if you believe God
does truly exist, and he made us in his image, he obviously made us to want to find
those answers. Never stop questioning. I truly hope whatever you find makes you
happy.
Just because the truth may be scary, it still exists. Turning your
head from the oncoming storm does not make it go away. You must learn from it,
seek shelter and thrive.
