Ok, so we had a potluck at work this Halloween and I wanted, as always, to be dorktastic and keep to the theme. Obviously I could have done something lame and obvious like “Worms in Dirt” or “Ghost Cookies” or an “Aborted Fetus”, but I really felt like going with something a little more classic with a morbid twist.
And being that I have a ridiculous crush on Once Upon a Time’s amazing evil queen, Regina, I was inspired to whip something together in her honor.
Her obsession with apples has actually gotten me hooked on the things. I’ll admit, I eat them with a fantasy in my head about how she gave them to me and that one of them (some lucky day) will be poisoned and then she’ll regret her decision and have to lay one on me to bring me back to consciousness.
It’s not so far fetched; some of you think Jesus is magic. Po-tay-to, Po-tah-to.
Anyway I decided to make ‘Regina’s Poisoned Apple Pie’; the poison being a splash of bourbon.
Here’s what you’re going to need:
6 medium (3 large) Honey Crisp Apples (Please note: The apples must be Honey Crisp, as they are Regina’s favorite, and otherwise the apple pie is not ‘Regina’s Poisoned Apple Pie’, it’s just ‘Your Shitty Granny Smith Apple Pie’.
¾ cup mixed white and brown sugar (Because we’re progressive up in this bitch and it tastes better that way.)
¾ tablespoon cinnamon
2 tablespoons flour
1 tablespoon lemon juice
⅛ tablespoon nutmeg
¼ tablespoon salt
1 egg white
Two frozen pie crusts (Because we don’t have all fucking day)
Splash of Bourbon
Step One: Go ahead and pre-heat the oven to 425. It saves time and, if you’re like me (skimpy on the gas), keeps you warmer.
Step Two: Get to chopping on those apples. I prefer them chunked, but if you feel frisky, go ahead and slice. Two important notations: Don’t peel them, because it’s time consuming and unnecessary. And don’t leave the seeds in. Apple seeds can be poisonous if consumed and we’re not trying to take the clever title that far.
Step Three: In a bowl, mix together sugar, cinnamon, nutmeg, salt, flour, lemon juice and bourbon. Then pour in the apples and get those hands dirty. Mix until everything is good and sugary, then dump it in one of the pie crusts.
Step Four: In a small bowl, froth egg white and half a teaspoon of white sugar. Put the remaining pie crust on top and brush it with your froth.
Step Five: Cut some small slices in the top crust and shove that bitch in the oven for about 40-45 minutes.
Step six: Pull out, let cool for about 20 minutes, and just be awesome.
And I must say, it was fantastic... Just like Regina.
After experiencing this dream, that's still kind of sticking with me, I decided to put it here. If I took the time to type it out at 3am It's definitely going somewhere. I just woke up from what may be the most tragically beautiful dream I think I’ve ever had. Jen and I were asleep and we started to hear war sirens (or something) going off. So, we both looked outside and saw school buses up and down the neighborhood. I went outside to see what was going on and they said that they were evacuating under military orders and that we need to hurry.
Ok, so we also had a goat (for some odd reasons) and I told Jen to just grab the goat, because he’d be the biggest problem, and take him on the bus and I’d grab some stuff and follow with Sam. But I saw the bus pull off without me and I saw Jen trying to fight them, but it was too late. Jen being taken out of my dream to put me in a state of panic and despair.
Then things got worse. I heard that there was another bus down the road and that I might be able to catch it. But on the way Sam Got attacked by one of the dogs in the neighborhood and was hurt pretty bad. I had to take him back home to get him fixed up, but the wound was deep.
The dream kind of skipped forward to later when Sam was in dire need and the world was absolutely horrible. Apparently I heard at some point that there was a doctor in this ridiculously scary metal bar. So, I took us in there because I didn’t know what else to do. Because, without Sam, it honestly didn’t matter anyway.
They had Penicillin, which was what I needed, and these creepy Neo Nazi looking sadists wanted to take it out in trade, so I literally agreed to let them beat me and I remember specifically that they put cigarettes out on me, and called me a dog because they thought it was ridiculous that I was doing that for a dog.
At the end of it all, they gave me the medicine and I felt the only real happiness I had in the entire dream because I knew I wouldn’t lose Sam... But I had to find food and shelter for us.
Then we bumped into Lucy Lawless (Xena) who was a reporter of some kind and she was doing a broadcast about the safe places people were bussed to. Everything about me filled with hope and after she was finished I asked her where this place was.
This is where the dream did the thing that dreams do, and you can’t actually hear/communicate with the person. When I finally did get an answer from her, she just looked at me sadly and told me it was a lie. She was given lodging and food to perpetuate it, but that ultimately the world was just a huge piece of shit.
At this point in the dream, I literally turned into a little boy (Henry from Once Upon a Time to be exact). I’m sure it was because my hero just metaphorically died in front of my eyes. I didn’t actually notice this change until the dream started to dissipate and I began to wake up, but I was just a helpless child.
I found this disgusting dump of an old Sam’s Club for me us stay in. It had cots for people to sleep on and plenty of cockroaches to go around. Even with the body of a little boy I worked moving heavy boxes around. And they let us stay there and gave us food. At the very end of the dream, I just remember coming ‘home’ to Sam. And seeing him happy, even with his scar and feeling so grateful that I had him. And I told him that I was going to find a way to get us out of that place and hugged him to me. It was peaceful and somehow filled with hope.
I woke up absolutely weeping. And then I couldn’t sleep so, of course, I analyzed every part that I could remember, and I’m sure that it all can trace back to some level of ‘fucked up’ that I am. But instead of figuring out what’s wrong with me, I’m kind of focused on the one thing I really learned. And it’s this: as long as you have the capacity to love, as long as you have something to love, you can find a way to survive even the most horrible situations.
And it was specifically the giving aspect of love that seemed more powerful than anything to me in the dream. It was like a light or a fire. Something warm and pure. A fuel in the darkest and most desolate of times and places.
People think that survival is the main force that pushes us to do what we do, but I don’t think I can buy that anymore; at least not for all of us. For me, in that dream, it was literally nothing more than loving a dog. Even after I’d lost everything, and was almost completely destroyed as a person, it still kept me going, and breathing, and working and hoping.
I also learned that Jen and I will NEVER, EVER, EVER own a fucking goat.
I’ve kind of become a Crock-Pot whore over the past few months. There are a couple of reasons for this.
1. I injure myself... A lot... Diminishing the possibility of charred skin increases my chances of survival by half. I do still have to contend with the whole blood loss thing when chopping up ingredients, but hey, scars are cool, right?
2. Sometimes I’m lazy. I used to spend an entire Sunday evening and night cooking up different dishes to feed myself during the week. This meant completely trashing my kitchen and (more often than not) getting trashed on wine. With a Crock-pot, minus the occasional stirring, you pretty much just load it up and go about your business.
3. I’m finally on my way to making a decent curry dish. It’s not perfected yet, but the slow cooking process is a must for flavorful curry, and I’m starting to round the corner on my own special recipe.
4. Clean-up is a frakin breeze. Seriously, most of the time it’s just the pot and a spoon. You really can’t beat that.
Don't you just love stock photos? Everyone is happy in a stock photo.
5. It makes the house smell fantastic! I love walking into a home that smells like food.
6. You can literally play Skyrim, Diablo, COD, or whatever else you’re obsessed with right now, and still be cooking a pimptastic meal.
I know what you’re thinking: if something is so easy to cook, it must not be all that fun to eat.
Not true.
I literally crave some of the dishes I’ve made in my Crock-Pot. The following is one of them.
Ingredients: 20 oz can of chunked pineapples 1lb chicken breast ¼ cup soy sauce ¼ cup teriyaki sauce Red pepper flakes 8 oz can water chestnuts 8 oz can bamboo shoots
Directions:
Cut your chicken into chunks and toss it into the Crock-pot. I like to buy the stuff that’s already cut up into tenders because that shaves off a little slicing time for me and, let’s face it, this means less of a chance of losing a digit.
And I need those... I’m a lesbian.
Anyway, once you’ve sliced up the poultry and bleached the counter back to kingdom come in an effort to avoid salmonella, crack open your pineapples. Now, I like to add some of the pineapple juice to give the dish more flavor, but it’s not required. If you don’t like the idea of the extra sugar and preservatives you can drain the can. Whatever your decision (I know it can be tough) plop the fruit in the pot with the chicken.
Pour in the other sauces, season with red pepper flakes and set the Crock-pot to high heat. You now have two hours to kill. Why not kill some zombies while stirring intermittently?
After you’ve unlocked as many achievements as one can in 120 minutes, stop by the kitchen again and open up your water chestnuts and bamboo shoots. Drain the cans and toss contents into the mix. Stir and kill nazis just to switch things up.
After another two hours, dinner is done, dude.
This amount should easily serve four people, but if you’re like me, you can stretch the portions out for a week full of nommy lunches. The cash you save on fast food can be spent on more important things, like DragonCon. Which is seriously just a week away.
And there you have it. It’s cheap, fast, super easy, and it makes you look like a wizard in the kitchen. Suck on that EVOO, Rachael Ray!
Most people know that I'm a pretty big fan of the Caped Crusader in most of his incarnations. Barring the goofy banality of the Adam West television series and the completely sold-out Schumacher embarrassments, Batman has served to entertain me more than any other super hero in both the DC and Marvel universes. And after seeing the Nolan trilogy through to it's climax, I must say that it is my favorite incarnation of the Dark Knight concept to date.
I have to admit, I was worried that this movie was as little doomed from the get-go. It came off the heels of what is arguably the greatest Batman film of all time. Oscars are not idly handed out to action movie roles, and Heath Ledger's Joker was one of the engaging film villains ever to grace the silver screen. To end the series with Bane as the headlining Big Bad was a great risk in my initial estimation. In addition, I was more than a little reticent about the idea of Anne Hathaway taking on the role of Catwoman (as detailed in a previous blog post).
But my trust in director Christopher Nolan was solidified with the masterpiece that was the Dark Knight, and I knew I was ready to follow him down whatever rabbit hole he may have concocted for the crescendo of this incredible symphony.
And I'm happy to say that I wasn't let down.
Hathaway's performance was pitch perfect. Bane's depth of character and lyric like dialogue was utterly engaging. And final moments of the film were satisfying on a levels that rival nearly ever trilogy experience I've ever had. Past a few pacing issues, I cannot find much fault with the entire experience. The entire team behind The Dark Knight Trilogy have every right to hang their hats with pride on this very solid final chapter.
So, let's get down to the details. I'll go ahead give out the spoiler warning. I'm about to go into some very important plot points, so if you haven't seen the film and do not wish to know the twists, please stop reading at this point and go directly to your nearest theater to see the film.
SPOILERS AHEAD!
I'd wondered whether or not Batman would actually survive this incarnation. Ever since the macabre tone of the full length trailer, I had this sinking feeling that Nolan might actually have the stones to kill off my favorite comic book hero. I thought it more likely that he would simply 'kill off' Batman and leave Bruce Wayne to lead a life of mentoring to whatever Robin they chose to throw in there.
I was both right and wrong in my assumptions. But before focusing on the incredible ending of the film, let's go through some of my favorite aspects of the experience as a whole; starting with Catwoman.
Nolan's vision of Catwoman was both canonically satisfying and refreshingly different when juxtaposed with the rest of trilogies 'villains'. And Hathaway hits a home run with her performance of the troubled, yet capable Selina Kyle.
Her Robinhood-esque mentality, and relate-able feelings toward the despicably rich, ring true in a world where so few have so much and so many have so little. It's not difficult to watch the beautiful brunette saunter around in tight leather whilst pick-pocketing some of the less likable citizens of Gotham. It also helps she's kind of a softie when it comes to protecting those with difficulties in protecting themselves. Her deadpan humor helps lighten a very heavy plot and her odd chemistry with both Wayne and Batman take the intricacies of the established relationship further than it's been taken in previous endeavors.
The fall of Bruce Wayne was presented to be incredibly dire and tense. The dissolution of Wayne Enterprises and the loss of the family fortune help to bring his character exactly where he needs to be. The desperation is both evident and palpable. For once, I truly doubted Batman's ability to save his city.
This feeling of hopelessness leaked through to the other characters as well. As I tried to put my faith in the other heroes of Gotham I kept running out of hope. What good is a banged up, old Commissioner, an internally wrought thief, and a puny cop against an army of ruthless thugs with nuclear capabilities?
And though I didn't feel the "Occupy Gotham" shtick they were trying to pull off truly worked, I did find the concept both interesting and entertaining.
One thing TDKR excelled greatly at was setting us up to put our faith in what was obviously the new Robin. With Batman locked away in a hole in the middle of nowhere, my mind constantly kept returning to officer Blake and his valiant efforts to save the citizens of Gotham wherever he could.
And then there was Alfred.
The stalwart servant of the Wayne family managed to get me misty-eyed more times than I care to admit. And his key role in wrapping up the fantastic final fifteen minutes was seamless and deservedly distinguished.
Speaking of those last scenes... They were incredible.
Bruce Wayne's unwavering dedication to the city that has chewed him up and spit him out never comes off as foolish or sophomoric; it's admirable. I sat there with a white knuckle grip on the arms of my chair as he made the flight with the bomb. The very possibility of martyrdom seemed both tragic and true, for the weathered soldier of the night.
Seeing Bruce Wayne's grave alongside that of his parents was heartbreaking, and the realization that his death gave way to a better life for a different Bruce was simply beautiful.
Obviously, the franchise has been left open for a hero with a different mask. The prospect of either Nightwing or Robin being realized by Nolan's exceptional vision is far to tempting not to think on at least for a little while.
All in all, I couldn't be much happier with the curtain closure on this epic tale. Bravo Mr. Nolan. Bravo.
I kinda started delving into food geekdom a little over a year ago. Since then I've learned that the farmer's market is both heaven and hell, organic food really is doable, and cooking pairs well with a bottle of wine, Netflix and a lot of band-aids. I've become a devout follower of allrecipies.com as well as the somewhat obnoxious concoctions of Rachel Ray.
This week, however, I branched out. This was the week I took my organic veggies by the stem. This week I created my very first recipe...
And it kinda rocked.
So yeah, if you like somewhat healthy food that actually tastes good. Follow the directions below and geek out with your organic self.
Super Hero Spaghetti Squash Casserole
Ingredients:
1 large spaghetti squash
1 orange and 1 red bell pepper
1 cup ground turkey (spicy kind if they have it)
1 onion
1 large tomato
Ass-ton of garlic
Fresh Rosemary
Fresh Basil
2 cups low-fat shredded mozzarella
1 cup shredded parm
12oz Greek yogurt
Organic pasta sauce (26 oz jar)
Chop up a teaspoon or two of both the rosemary and basil,
plus a crap ton of garlic, and toss it in a pot filled with the pasta sauce.
It’s all to taste, so do whatever you want. Simmer and stir occasionally while
you prep the other stuff, because you are so pimp you can multitask.
Multitasking
Get medieval on the spaghetti squash with a big, sharp
kitchen knife and slice that mother straight down the middle; Beatrix Kiddo
style. Grab a spoon and gut both sides just like you did to your pumpkin last
Halloween. Slap both sides of the squash on a plate (rind up, holes down) and
pop it in the micro for 7 mins.
Stir yo sauce and dice the onion and peppers while the
squash is being nuked. Set oven to 350 and allow to pre-heat.
Once the squash starts to beep, take it out, turn it over
with an oven mitt and shove that shit in the freezer. Your hands will thank me
later.
Continue on with your bad self and toss that turkey into a
skillet. Bump up the heat and cook through till it’s kind of light gray and
zombie looking. Make sure to separate as you cook. Once done, drain and feel
good about yourself for not using hamburger meat.
While your meat cools, grab the squash out of the freezer
and scrape the insides with a fork onto a plate. Revel in the fact that it
looks like noodles and congratulate your ancestors for figuring out this dope
trick.
Combine 1 cup mozzarella, ½ cup parm, turkey, noodles,
chopped veggies, yogurt, and pasta sauce all into one big-ass bowl. Mix it all
up and smell how close you are to culinary victory.
Pour into a large baking pan, top with remaining
parmesan and mozzarella, and shove it in the oven for about 25 mins. Allow to
cool. Enjoy awesomeness.
2011 was actually a pretty stellar year on this end. I accomplished some goals, learned some new things and worked hard at simply figuring out what I wanted and tried to make that happen.
And in between all of that I read a lot of comics, watched a bunch of TV and ate a crap-ton of food. Here is a list of the top five things that I found crave-worthy and cringe-worthy in the last year.
Five Things I Fell in Love with:
1. Jillian Michaels' Podcast- It's gotten to the point where I can actually tell that people want to punch me in the face whenever the 'j' sound starts to exit my lips. Jillian Michaels' amazingness has simply taken over my life. Her passion for success and self-understanding has done more for me than any other form of therapy I've pursued and I've never even spoken to the woman. The show is interesting, informative, entertaining and, ultimately, addictive. I'm not even kidding. Do yourself a favor and subscribe.
2. DC Comic's New 52s- I know that relaunches in the comic industry aren't always the right way to go. Sure, the allure of allowing newcomers to start on equal ground, or giving a fresh look to old fans seems perfect, but it's not always successful. I will say that my time spent in the new DC universe has not been in vain. Even books like Aquaman completely shocked me with their accessibility and entertainment value. I read a lot of the New 52s and enjoyed nearly everything I came in contact with (to the detriment of my bank statement). If you've ever had a passing interest in comics, now is certainly the time to start over from scratch on the established heroes.
3. Chipotle Peppers- I know Chipotle peppers have been around since way before 2011. But it was in 2011 that I first discovered the wonder that is cooking with them. Seriously, I'll figure out a way to put a chipotle in anything. They're just that great. From their sweet and spicy scent all the way to their damn-near meaty consistency, these little handfuls of goodness have earned themselves a permanent spot in my kitchen.
4. Marvel Movies- Three of my favorite film experiences of last year revolve around the Marvel universe. Seeing the Avengers trailer at the end of Captain America was only surpassed by veiwing the full length version online. X-Men: First Class was easily my most exciting cinematic occurrence of the entire year. Thor helped me pick up some much needed momentum in the gym simply because I wanted to be more like the beer-swilling, built God of Thunder. And I cannot wait to see all of these mammoth characters together in 2012.
5. My Drunk Kitchen- She's cute, she's drunk, she's funny and she's trying to cook. Basically, I'm a Hartosexual, and if you don't know what I'm talking about you need to go here, like, right now. That is all.
Things I Kinda Just Wanted to Poop on:
1. Politicians in General- I'm not going to get too deep into this but everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, should be fed up, in some form or fashion, with the behavior and decisions of the people running this country. We deserve better than bunch of greedy children who have the sexual discretion of a drunken teenager on Facebook.
2. The Rise of the E-Reader and the Fall of Borders- I know this is going to make me sound like a geriatric grouch, but I am so not a fan of the idea that books will one day cease to come with paper pages. Don't get me wrong, I do like the concept of a compact electronic library. I just like the idea of actual libraries too.
3. Casey Anthony- Innocent or guilty, this is a 'person' who AT BEST was negligent enough to allow the opportunity for her daughter to drown in a pool, selfish enough to dump the lifeless corpse in the woods, disgusting enough to party and dress like a slut in the weeks following, audacious enough to get a tattoo celebrating her beautiful life, devious enough to lie about a ridiculously named nanny, and evil enough to look like Maleficent. At worst she did all of these things, violently murdered her own child and got away with it. Poop is honestly a little to high class for her.
4. Blu Cigs- Thanks a lot for cancelling the vanilla flavor and increasing the price. Now I get to start all over from scratch. Dicks.
5. Hipsters- Whatever, they probably dig the intricate societal significance of being shit on. Plus they liked it before the Germans thought it was so cool.
Here's to 2012 and more things to love and rant about!
