Geeks, Greeks and God

There’s been a lot of geeky stuff to do in Atlanta ever since the weather warmed up. In the last week and a half I met Amber Benson, got my Greek on, and took in the rapture at Ren Fest. It’s been a good start to the season.

First of all let me say that Amber Benson is just frakin awesome.

She came into town to be a panelist at Outlantacon (Atlanta’s gay, sci-fi convention) and, to help kick off the event, appeared for free at a book signing. Homegirl walked around Outwrite, Atlanta’s prominent queer bookstore, just like any other patron of the joint. After grabbing a coffee and a Rice Crispy Treat (which made her even more endearing) she sat down mere feet away from the table I shared with my fellow Whedonites. For those of you lesbian geeks unfamiliar with Amber: go watch seasons 4-6 of Buffy, then come back and thank me after you’re done.

You don’t get much more down-to-earth than taking a shot of the crowd with your iPhone.

And she even signed my book exactly how I wanted it (though she did kinda giggle at the request).

If you look closely, you’ll see that it says: “Summer, Thanks for always calling Kennedy a slutty rebound. Love, Amber.”

It was really cool to simply listen to the entire panel talk geek writ

ing, queer writing, and queer geek writing. It was also nice to hang out with Melissa Carter, formerly of Q100’s The Bert Show. We totally geeked about fan fiction and Star Trek Voyager.

My face looks stupid because I’d just been close to Amber Benson and Angela was making fun of my shaky hands.

All in all, it was a fantastic night.

Later that week I Greeked out at the Marietta Greek Festival where we took pictures of the Greek Orthodox Church and learned a lot about its history…

This is Elijah. It’s very important you never open the door for him, lest you end up totally fucked in Nazi Germany. And if you just laughed out loud at that you better at least post a ‘haha’ in the comment section!

We also drank Ouzo.

Don’t ever do that.

The Greek Festival isn’t the only cultural experience to be had this time of year. On the day the rapture was supposed to hit, we all hopped in a car and made a trip down to the Georgia Renaissance Festival: a great excuse to wear medieval clothing in ninety degree weather.

Turkey legs and mead were consumed with gusto, tarot cards were read, and jousting commenced.

But it wasn’t until the end of the day that the world actually changed. Not for everybody, like some psychos had anticipated, but for me. You see, the Humane Society puts up a tent at Ren Fest. I managed to stay away from it for most of the day, but after a few beers and a ‘looking can’t hurt’ attitude, we made our way over to check out the puppies for adoption. There were quite a few cuties there. I asked to hear each one’s story and finally settled on walking around with two to see how we bonded. And it was when this little guy went straight for my face with the puppy kisses that I knew I was at least going to fill out some paperwork.

They found him running around near a dumpster. He was abandoned and had lost most of his hair due to a case of mange. But it was his name that made it seem like destiny was playing a part in what was going on while Jesus decided to punk out the guys who tried to capitalize on his return. The pup was found hiding in a Samuel Adams box, so they named him Samuel Adams. And being that I have an incredible affection for naming dogs after beer… it just seemed to fit. I’m already totally in love.

He thinks I’m god, I think he’s my savior. Three cheers for Samuel Adams; the jousting, rapture dog.

So This Looks like Cancer

There’s this great story about elephants. A guy is walking around some circus grounds and he comes upon one of these massively magnificent creatures. Looking down he notices that the only thing keeping the elephant from escaping and possibly reeking complete havoc on the entire staff of the circus is a metal stake in the ground and a steel chain cuffed around one of the elephant’s feet. Befuddled, he asks one of the ringmasters why the elephant doesn't just use its strength to pull the stake out of the ground and run away. The ringmaster explains that it’s all mental. At birth the elephants are imprisoned in the same way and they can’t physically break free from their bonds. When they get older they’re still under the same impression. The elephant isn't held back by the stake, it’s held back by the limits of its own mind.

This translates perfectly in superhero stories as well.

You’ve seen it a hundred times: a hero encounters someone who seems trustworthy and superior in both manner and appearance. They wear white and talk in knowledgeable, calm tones. It’s as if they’ve been given some greater insight into the world at large, and they are there to help guide him on his way. What the hero doesn’t realize is that these people view their knowledge as license to act with subjective morality. And he believes in their ultimate infallibility, he’s also subject to failing once he finds out that they are just another eating, farting, shitting human being just like the rest of us. It’s then he must depend on his own wits to save Gotham.

People mind fuck us every day. Well, ladies and Anthony, I’m here to tell you that I am so done getting mind fucked by at least one group of people: self righteous doctors.

They’re even evil on TV!

We trust doctors to care for us. It’s

even on the frakin doors to most of their buildings: Primary CARE Physician, Urgent CARE Facility, Hipster CARE Located in Rear.

Ok, the last one was a lie, but the point is, we put ourselves into these people’s care and I expect that ‘care’ to have a little ‘give a fuck’ attached to it.

Just this week I went to have some moles checked out mostly because this one on my chest looked kind of like splitting cells and all I could think was I have cancer.

I go, for the first time, to see this dermatologist who’s located close by and perfect for a lunchtime visit. The bedside manner was ridiculous. I literally felt like I was going through the QT for a body check.

“Hi, I’m doctor ______, I understand you have some spots you want checked out, so let’s go ahead and get started. Ok, this one is just a blood vessel (insert medical term here because I had no time to process it). It’s totally fine, but not so good looking, cutting it off won’t be a problem. Let’s see your back,” she says turning me as if I weren’t capable on my own.

“My mom always tells me to get this big one check-“ I try to motion in the direction of the mole I meant.

“Yeah, that one’s totally fine: it can stay,” she interrupts.

I breathe a sigh of relief.

“But this one looks like cancer so we’ll probably need to cut it off as well and send it out to the lab,” she turns me back around. “Ok, go ahead and lie down on the table.”

My mind completely stopped listening after she threw the word cancer in my direction as if she were offering me a cookie. Images cropped up of Izzy lying on that hospital bed in Seattle Grace all because she didn’t go to the dermatologist regularly… And then she lost George!

“Whoa, whoa!” I exclaim. “If it does come back cancer, am I going to die?”

“No, we just cut more of your skin off.”

Thank god she was more physically sensitive than she was emotionally. That’s the problem though. They know more than us and some of them do not fucking care how this kind of news is delivered. Had I not asked more in depth questions, and researched what was going on, I literally would have gone home assuming the worst.

Whether they like to talk the ignorant public or not, it’s their job. Educating a patient about what’s going on in their body is incredibly important for their mental well-being. And I’m sorry, but if you have some sort of social anxiety, don’t pursue a career that puts you in the path of the general public on a 15 minute basis.

This isn’t the first time it’s happened to me either. I had a cyst the size of a grapefruit in my abdomen for months because the emergency room doctor told me I just needed to take a dump. Even after I told her I’d been shitting just fine!

Obviously there are wonderful doctors out there that truly care about their patients, but this is becoming more the exception than the rule. We cannot be the elephant tied down by our own pride and ignorance. Our reliance on doctors to put their sole focus on us, and not their golf game, is ill founded.

Take a look in their eyes and realize that they are just as imperfect as you in so many ways. Be your own fuckin’ hero and think outside of the shackle of ignorance.

And don't let it stop there. Do whatever you have to do to feel enough worth in yourself that you can stand toe to toe with anyone and demand the respect you deserve for simply being human; just like them.

Because being just you is probably more awesome than you think.

Geek Weight Loss Tools

This year I’ve been really dedicated to fitting into smaller jeans (not skinny jeans, you frakin hipsters), and my methods have actually garnered results that are decent enough to put stock in. Since about mid January I’ve lost 18 pounds, and I’d be remiss to say that this wasn’t due to quite a few geeky tools of the trade. So, since losing just under 20 pounds automatically makes me an expert in physical fitness, I’m here to share some of the most useful things I’ve learned with… well probably just Anthony. Hey Anthony!

So here are a few tips and tricks I’ve used that really seem to stick.

Diet:

First of all do not take that word so fucking literally. Those fraking fad diets do not work. The easiest way to lose weight is to simply eat less. I know, it seems so ridiculous: don’t shove as much shit down your throat and you’ll lose weight. But it’s true. Also, an even bigger pain in the ass, you have to dissect what you eat a little bit. Seriously you could be alternating between cereal and hot pockets for breakfast and have absolutely no clue that trading one for the other could save you way more room in your caloric budget.

So how do you keep up with what goes down the hatch?

-SparkPeople: This site is an extremely useful resources if you stick with it long enough. They have a nutritional ‘food diary’ type tab that helps you keep track of what’s going into your body and their database is massive so it makes food journaling waaaay easier than it ever rightfully should have been. On top of that it gives you different fitness and weight loss goals to strive for and there is just something so magical about moving those little meters in the positive category. Past that, SparkPeople is great for networking with other people who want to lose weight. It works for motivation, accountability, and making friends. You don’t have to stick with the mundane task of logging every little thing you do after a while. Pretty soon you’ll remember to eat this rather than that, just because you’ve already seen its effects via the nutrition log. This site, honestly, is a must.

-Portion control: I really hate to beat a dead horse on this one, but Americans eat way too fucking much in one sitting. Try to stick to the actual portion size provided on whatever you’re eating. And try not to go out to eat. If you do, make it a special thing. The less time you spend at restaraunts will shrink your pants and fatten up your wallet.

-Cut the little corners: Get the skim milk instead of whole, grab the diet soda instead of the sugary shit, and use the fake butter instead of the real stuff. Sometimes saying this to people puts them on a tangent about standards. Well, look, if the standard size of your ass isn’t fitting in your jeans anymore you’re either going to have to make some sacrifices or buy new jeans. I do every single one of the things I just listed and after a while it really doesn’t matter that much anymore. Plus I drink low calorie beer. If you knew what a sin that is in my world, you’d realize the depth of my sacrifice.

Exercise:

You have to do it…

Yeah, that’s about it.

I’ve gotten to the point where I do something physical nearly every single day and it doesn’t have to only include the gym. You’d be amazed at how sore simple yard work can make you the next day. Same goes for dragging a growing baby around, or just screwing around with wooden swords with your best friend on a drunken Tuesday night. But, the gym is also kinda mandatory if you’re not planning to straight-up run every day. Here are some things that make the monotony a little more bearable.

-Get an MP3 player. First of all, it helps keep your mind occupied, but it can also serve as a block for those pesky people who come to the gym to socialize. Plug in your earbuds and your less likely to hear about little Tyler’s second birthday party.

-Make friends with intervals. Interval training is basically hopping on the elliptical and doing 20 second bursts of super fast running interceded by breaks. My favorite way to do this is by using song tempos as my guide. Run during the chorus, jog during the rest. Unless you’re super moved by the hook. Steady running on a treadmill can drain you of your energy an garner seriously meager results. So crank up the BSG theme song, and beat that machine like the Cylonic descendant it is!

-Don’t skip the weight lifting. You need to work smarter, not harder. Building muscle burns calories even when you’re asleep and dreaming of stealing Penny away from Leonard right before Sheldon ruins the moment with an off kilter sentiment. Lift weights three times a week and let your intellectual superiority take care of the rest.

Extra little tidbits:

Activia: You eat the shit outta it, it’ll shit the eat outta you. It may be a gross idea, but hell, it gets things done.

Break-ups: Seriously, if you’re heartbroken, you’re in for one of the best appetite suppressants ever. Use it.

Go clothes shopping: Either you’ll feel bad about not fitting into something, or you’ll feel good about losing a pant size. Either one can be used for motivation.

Water: Drink it like it’s… well water.